Title- Finding Peace Author- Megan Smyth Email- renee117@meginc.com Archive- anywhere as long as I know about it... Rating- PG, one bad word....not much else Contents- Mulder/Scully Romance Spoilers- big time Mometo Mori Summary- After her diagnosis, Mulder and Scully finally realize how much they need each other. Disclaimer- Ok, we all know I do not own these characters, CC does, 1013 does, and who can forget the wonderful people at Fox. Feedback- PLEASE!! I'll take any comment you may have, or just let me know you read it...... please??? I would like to thank Abby, she's my inspiration... (awwwww) and thanks for helping me!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finding Peace Office of Special Agents Mulder and Scully at the FBI Building Washington, D.C. 8:36 p.m. "Scully? Scully are you ok? Hey!! Scully!!??" I faintly hear someone calling my name..... is it Mulder? I slowly begin to come back to reality and realize that yes, it is Mulder. He is asking if I am ok, for the 50th time today. Can I really blame him? I have been acting.... well, to say the least, aloof. I just feel so... sick. Well, I am, that's for sure. I feel so alone, and that makes me not want to be anywhere, especially at work where Mulder can watch over me and ask if I am ok every five minutes. Fine? I haven't been fine since the day I found out I had cancer. So I try to block it by, kind of 'zoning out' every now and the, but Mulder just won't let me be at peace.... but I must ask myself, is it Mulder who won't let me be at peace, or is myself? "Yes Mulder, I'm fine," I lie. I glare into his worried, tired hazel eyes for a moment. Those eyes. I love his eyes. They seem to hold all the answers..... and yet lately they seem to carry such burden. He has been this way, well.... I guess just as long as I have been the way I am. Since that day in the hospital that Penny Northern died. I felt so empty, but he was there for me, as he always is. I think at that point he realized that the some thing might someday happen to me. That is why he looks this way. I want to just reach out for him, have him reach back for me, then hold him forever. But I can't. Not Scully. Not Scully: "The Rock". I can't do that to him. It wouldn't be fair, I have to be strong for him. I reluctantly pull away from his gaze and glare at my work. I know he wants me to talk more, but I just don't know what I would say. Would I really just go on in casual conversation like nothing was wrong? Like there wasn't some uninvited alien invading my body? Sometimes I can feel it pushing me further and further towards death. Funny how an illness makes you so aware of your body. You start to notice things that you hadn't noticed....... a drop of crimson blood drops onto the paper I am working on, and interrupts my thoughts. It makes a noise in the deathly quiet room, and I snap up to look at Mulder. Did he notice? Yes, he is looking at me with his worried eyes again. I immediately run to the bathroom. I know he is following me.... why? I ask silently, why can't he just let me die in peace? Why must he hover over me like a protective mother? I know why. I've known for a while now. We know how we feel about each other, we've just never had the courage to say it. Sometimes I want to say it so bad I feel like I am going to scream it out. But then the fear sets in again. I rush into the bathroom, not even noticing which one I am entering, not that it matters to me at this point. He follows me still. he is really getting into this protective mother bit isn't he? "What are you doing, Mulder?" "Trying to help you Scully," he replies. "I'm fine, you can go now," I say, not really wanting him to leave. I'm facing him now, with my hand over my nose, trying to will it to stop bleeding. He simply stares at me. "What Mulder? What?! Stop staring at me like I am some damn broken china doll!!!" I yell. I feel the tears coming now..... I can't stop them this time. Mulder looks like I have just slapped him, but he shakes off the shock and rushes to get some paper towels to aid my bleeding nose. He gently wipes away the blood, then he realizes it has stopped and wipes at my tears with his thumbs. His touch makes me quiver. Even now, even at a moment like this he can still give me goosebumps. My Mulder. My truth. My life. My love. He gently wraps his muscular arms around me and pulls me to him, allowing me to cry on his shoulder. "It's ok Scully, I'm here," he whispers, and I feel so safe. So loved. "Come on, lets get you out of here,". I don't ever want to let go, but all good thing must come to an end. He quietly overlooks my violent outburst, and for that I am eternally grateful. We proceed out of the bathroom and walk back down the hall to the office, I am still being somewhat supported by Mulder. He helps me to his chair and I feel so tired. I just slump into the leathery softness. Mulder kneels down in front of me and takes both of my hands. He ever so slowly strokes my hand with his thumb and reaches up with one of his strong, Mulder-hands and brushes a stray hair away from my cheek. He brushes my cheek in the process and I sharply inhale at the semi-intimate contact. He obviously notices my reaction, and for once I don't pull back when he moves his hand to my chin, cups it, and pulls my face up so our eyes meet. His eyes again, but for some reason they seem different. Maybe he feels like he can help me now, like I am finally letting him in. And to be perfectly honest, it feels good to let him in. He almost smiles. I can't help but begin to smile, he always makes me smile when he looks at me like that. "I can't stop looking at you, Scully. I think you're too beautiful not to look at," he says with an ever increasing smile. I feel the quiver again as the words begin to sink in. Mulder just told me I was beautiful! Am I delirious? I reach out to touch his face to make sure. As my fingers come into contact with his cheek and I feel the miniscule stubble, evidence of an early morning shaving, I know that this is real. I look deep into his eyes and try to relate some of my feelings toward him. "What would I do without you Mulder? Where would I be? I think that I would be too alone for words," I say with a smile of my own. Tears begin to well up in my eyes for the second time in 15 minutes, or maybe I just never stopped crying the first time. Mulder raises up on his knees to embrace me once more. Drunk on his touch I sink into his arms. His hold is gentle enough to show tender care for me, yet firm enough to somehow convey his strong feelings of love. The embrace lasts a while as we both just take in each other, trying to savor the moment. After a while, he pulls way, but not too far. He looks into my eyes and sees the tears that have come due to my realization that he wasn't going to let me die alone. And the realization that I don't want to. Gently brushing them away again., he begins to cry as well. His head drops into my lap as he continues to cry. All walls appear to be gone now, and I gently stroke his hair. "I'm so scared, Scully, I don't want to be without you... I don't know how... I don't think I could go on," he manages to verbalize. "I will never leave you, at least never completely," I reply as he begins to raise his head. "Scully," he looks deep into my eyes with a very determined glare, and I feel as though he is peering into my soul, "I love you Scully. I can't be without you, I need you. I love you too much to lose you now," I begin to cry harder at this, and realize that it is finally happening. This man, whom I have secretly longed for and loved for 5 years has just told me that he loves me. I can't breathe. I can't even move, everything seems to be standing still. I feel so, so, complete. I know now that I will never be alone again, and I cry and smile at the same time. I squeeze his hand and search for words. "Mulder, I love you more than life itself, and you have no idea how long I have wanted to hear those words. I want to love you forever," I say, so happy, so, complete, so loved. Mulder briefly closes his eyes, taking in the moment, I suspect. "Well, Scully, we have the rest of our lives, don't we? And that will be a long time, but never long enough," he replies, his eyes don't seem so worried anymore, just anxious. "Mulder, I don't really have that long," I say softly and begin to lower my eyes to the floor, not really wanting to see his reaction to my statement. "Scully," he says firmly and I look up at him, "You are not going to die, I will see to that, you understand? I love you. If anything, our love will keep you alive,". Mulder is do sure of this, I can't help but believe him. He wouldn't lie to me, after all. For the first time since I was diagnosed, I have hope. Hope of a life, a life with Mulder. This thought makes me smile. He smiles back. "I won't ever leave you Mulder, I promise," I say with more confidence than I have had in anything in a long time. "That's my Scully. Now come on, lets go get you some rest, ok? He says leading me to the door. Scully's Apartment 10:27 p.m. I am so exhausted that Mulder ends up carrying me up to my apartment. ha amazingly unlocks my door without incident, and steps inside. "Where to?" he asks smiling. "Bed, please, I need sleep," I say, yawning. "Yes ma'am," he says and proceeds through the hall to the bedroom. "I love you Scully," I hear him say, laying me on the bed, "If you need anything, you know where I'll be," he says, reluctantly leaving. "No, Mulder, please don't leave. You can sleep on the couch, if you want," I say, somewhat timidly, not wanting to sound too up front. He smiles at this comment. I smile back, knowing that was just what he wanted to hear. "If you don't mind, I think that I will just sleep in this chair, ok? Nearer to you," he says and leans down to kiss my cheek. The kiss is so soft, so tender. He raises up from hovering over my face and turns to go retrieve a pillow from the couch. "Mulder, come here for a minute, please," I say, raising up to sit on the edge of the bed. He turns around and sits down beside me. I take his hand and kiss the top of it, taking in a breath of him in the process. He smells wonderful, a mixture of a soft cologne and soap. I then turn to look into his eyes. "Mulder, I just can't tell you how much it means to me to have you here now. I feel so much more complete now that things are out in the open. Your love gives me courage, courage to live. For a long time, well, ever since I was diagnosed, I have thought about dying.... and I have felt somewhat guilty, for having to leave you someday, but I just want you to know that I love you.... I love you more than you will ever know, Mulder. You just don't know....." I am trying to explain how much he means to me, but I don't feel like I doing it any justice. "Scully, if you love me half as much as I know I love you, it's just indescribable. I want to be with you forever. Longer if it was possible. You don't have to feel guilty. You aren't going anywhere. I won't let you," he says peering into my teary eyes. We sit, hand in hand, just loving each other, never wanting this moment to end. He leans over and kisses my cheek, ever so gently. It is so soft and wonderful, I can just feel the love behind it. He breaks the moment, but his face lingers over mine. "I love you , Scully," he whispers, "I always have,". He slowly moves to place his lips over mine, I feel my heart beating. His lips brush mine, the goosebumps return. We are so close. Then he passionately, sweetly, lovingly kisses me. Heaven is the only way to describe it. Soft at first, then with increasing passion. His lips are like velvet on mine. His hands gently caress the back of my neck and my shoulder. It is the mustered up feelings of five years finally resolved. My lips begin to part, allowing him entrance. We begin to explore each other for the first time, memorizing each other, knowing this is the first of many moments longing each other, touching each other. I want to stay here forever........... Scully's Apartment 2:17 a.m. I wake up feeling something moving beside me, I turn to look, somewhat alarmed. It is Mulder. Restless sleeper, obviously. I become aware of my surroundings still in my work clothes, as is Mulder. We must have fallen asleep after...... I smile remembering. We kissed each other for a good while, just loving each other. We didn't make love, we didn't need too. We already did. We created love between us, the best kind. Forgiving, unselfish, sacrificial, unquestioning, and everlasting. I smile again. and turn to move closer to Mulder. He half-way wakes up, and reached out for me, knowing I am there. I happily comply, and his arms close around me. I lay there for a while, watching him sleep, feeling him breathe, wondering what I did so right to deserve him. After a while, I slowly drift into slumber, feeling for once, at peace. Knowing that Mulder will be there for me when I wake up. I have found my peace. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, there it is, I hoped you like it... Please send feedback!! I am a young author looking for constructive comments. Send all feedback to: renee117@meginc.com THANKS FOR READING!!!