<![CDATA[
Keep me from the Cold
by Stephanie Kaiser
<scully@galenalink.com>
Classification: TRA
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Yes, through season 4. Post-Gethsemane.
Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance
Summary: Mulder and Scully deal with the aftermath created by
Mulder's suicide.
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I had a hand in creating The X-Files
all rights belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox
Entertainment. I do however believe that Mulder and Scully belong to
David and Gillian, without them there would be words but no soul.
Author's notes: This is my first attempt at fan fiction and I am a
bit nervous to be posting. I would like to thank Melissa, Kelly,
Karen, and Jenny for their wonderful input and a special thanks to
Nancy for catching all my mistakes in grammar.
I hope you enjoy the story. Any comments can be sent to:
<scully@galenalink.com>
Keep Me From the Cold 1/8
It was over. Scully shut the door to the conference
room and briskly began walking down the empty corridor. Increasing
her pace as she felt the already damaged walls holding back her tears
begin to crumble. She pulled her jacket tightly around herself,
seeking the comfort and security that would once have been supplied
by the touch of her partner's hand on her shoulder or on the small of
her back. The jacket brought her no comfort. In fact, she noticed
that it hung more loosely than usual and found herself briefly
worried that she had lost even more weight due to the cancer. Then
she remembered that she was missing the bulk usually provided by her
identification badge and her gun. She had left them on the
conference table when she had walked out.
"Almost there." She whispered in reassurance to herself as she
descended the stairs as quickly as she dared, stopping only at the
door to his office. Taking the keys from her pocket she fumbled for
the correct one and let herself in. She stepped inside, removed the
key, closed and locked the door, only then as she closed her eyes and
rested her forehead against the door did Scully allow tears to escape
out of the corners of her eyes. She took a deep breath and took into
her lungs the scent of him that was still lingering behind in this
office. A familiar sense of safety settled over her. Taking another
deep breath, she turned and looked around the achingly empty office.
She sat down in the chair she thought of as hers and for the first
time since her phone had rung early that morning, she began to
process what had taken place in only a few short hours that had begun
to feel like days.
She remembered the first time she'd walked into his
office and had looked into the eyes of the man that had intrigued,
protected and had dared to challenge her belief every day thereafter.
He had accused her of spying on him. Scully's head began to ache as
she remembered and she bent forward resting her head in her hands.
Spying on him! If only it had been that simple. She had truly
become his partner, his friend, the only one that he had trusted, and
in doing so she had become the tool that had been used to destroy
him. She had made it easy for them. Now as she sat alone in what
had become their office she realized that she had done precisely what
they had expected her to. She had brought an end to the X-Files, and
she had killed the most important person in her life in the process.
Her mind told her that he had been the one to pull the trigger. Her
heart argued that in telling him she was certain that she was dying
in order to make him believe, she had put the bullet in the gun.
Scully sat up in the chair and found herself directly opposite the
wall poster that represented his quest, his passion "I want to
believe," she read aloud. As she read the words out loud, she became
even more aware of the part she had played over the last few days.
He had believed, and in the end, she had even taken that away from
him.
She wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and forget. The
pounding in her head was becoming more insistent, and when she stood
up, a wave of dizziness forced her to steady herself by grabbing onto
the desk. She closed her eyes, briefly, silently hoping the feeling
would pass quickly. The doctors had warned her these episodes would
occur much more frequently now that the cancer was spreading. Scully
chose to ignore the warning her body was sending her, and
straightened to take a last look around the office. There was
nothing there that was personally hers, except the coffee mug that
sat on the table next to his, where it would remain. Turning to
leave the office, her eye caught the photograph sitting on the edge
of his desk. Samantha. Scully picked up the photograph and gently
ran her fingers around the frame. This she would take and keep safe
as long as she was able to do so. Scully left the office, locking
the door behind her.
She was always amazed at the quietness of this hallway, when one
flight up was constantly chaotic with people rushing around always in
a hurry. Never too much of a hurry, though, to miss as opportunity
to whisper about "Mr. and Mrs. Spooky."
"I wonder if, when I cross the room now, I'll hear 'Widow Spooky'?"
She wished momentarily that she had not yet turned in her gun. She
turned to walk up the stairs, knowing that it was time that she saw
Mulder.
Scully was able to get to the parking garage without incident, and
was about to get into her car when she heard footsteps behind her.
"Agent Scully�" Assistant Director Skinner approached the car.
"Yes Sir?" Scully protectively placed the photograph of Samantha on
the front seat of the car and then turned and addressed him out of
the respect she still held for the director.
"Agent Scully, I wanted to express to you how sorry I am. I know
that Agent Mulder was your friend." Even Skinner knew that the words
sounded hollow. "Is there anything you need?"
"I'm fine." The words came automatically to her now. How many
times had she said those exact words to Mulder? She wondered what
would have happened if she had told him that she was angry or hurt
for being ditched again, frustrated by another dead end they had
reached, or if just once she had told him that she was scared. She
wondered what would have happened if he had, even one time, seen past
her defenses. She found the backs of her eyes grow warm with fresh
tears as she realized that now she would never know, and she would
never be able to tell him everything she needed to. They had run out
of time.
"Scully, your identification and weapon are being kept in my office
until you return from your medical leave." Skinner's eyes issued her
a challenge that she just didn't have the energy to respond to.
"Thank you." She knew that her 'medical leave' would be permanent.
"If you'll please excuse me."
"Would you like me to drive you home?" Skinner moved toward her
car, but Scully stepped into his way, effectively blocking his path.
"No, thank you. There's a stop I need to make on the way, and it's
something I need to do alone."
"Agent Scully, I think that it would be in the best interest of your
health if you went directly home. I could call your mother and have
her meet you there."
"No." She said a little more sharply than she intended. The rules
of protocol no longer seemed important to her now. She needed to see
Mulder. "Sir, I haven't had a chance to say good-bye to him."
As she spoke, Skinner visibly flinched at the
desperation in her voice.
"I'm sorry. I had assumed that you had been told. Mulder's body
isn't at Quantico any longer. Mrs. Mulder had his remains released
and taken to the funeral home. She intends to have his body
cremated."
Scully felt the color drain from her face. Skinner, noticing the
change in her, moved to put his arm around her in an offer of
support. She felt the earth begin to slip out from under her feet,
as deafening alarm bells began to go off inside of her head forcing
her to concentrate on the sound of Skinner's voice urgently calling
her name.
"Scully. Dana." Skinner was becoming alarmed and put both arms
around her, fearing that she would fall to the pavement. "I'm
calling an ambulance." Scully began to struggle in his arms fighting
to pull away.
"No." She cried weakly, pushing away from him. "You have to stop
her."
Skinner looked into the pleading eyes of Dana Scully and knew that,
if it were within his power, he would have given anything to take
that pain from her eyes. He hoped that some day she would realize
that what they were doing, they were doing for her. He prayed that
she would forgive them for reducing her to begging for an opportunity
to say good-bye to her dead partner. Unfortunately, today, it was
not within his power to remove the pain he saw in her eyes. He could
only inflict more upon her.
"I can't stop her, Scully. She's his mother."
The panic had begun to rise in the back of Scully's throat and
threatened to take over her senses as she fought to regain control of
her emotions. She took a step toward Skinner, oblivious to the
strength and size advantage he held over her. She had to make him
understand.
"Agent Mulder is afraid of fire, his body cannot be burned."
Skinner stepped back in reaction to the vehemence in her voice.
Undaunted, Scully took another step forward. She was prepared to go
as far as required to make him listen. "I couldn't help him find
Samantha. I couldn't stop them from giving me this disease. I
couldn't keep the X-Files open, and I couldn't save him. I will make
sure that his body is never touched by the flames of a fire. I owe
him that much."
The anger in her voice and the trembling of her body communicated to
Skinner the importance she had given the task of stopping the
cremation, but there was nothing that he could do to appease her
despair.
"Scully, it's too late."
"You asked me what I needed from you, and I am begging you to stop
her."
Skinner roughly took a hold of both of her upper arms in an attempt
to force her to accept what he was telling her.
"It's too late."
Scully violently twisted to free herself from the Assistant
Director's grasp. In doing so, she found herself unable to support
her weight and begin to fall. She felt the garage grow warm and
begin to close in around her as her already bruised body collided
with the cement floor of the parking garage. She was vaguely aware
of Skinner kneeling down next to her. The last thing she felt was
the warm thickness of blood beginning to flow steadily from her nose.
"I'm sorry Mulder." She whispered as Skinner pulled his cell phone
out of his jacket pocket to call for an ambulance. Scully had lost
consciousness.
Walter Skinner stayed at the hospital with Scully until Maggie
Scully arrived and the doctor had given them Dana's diagnosis. Now
he was approximately forty minutes outside of DC, in a lone car, on
the old gravel road. He hadn't been followed, of that he was
certain. There was really no need any longer. Skinner slowed the
car and pulled into a secluded driveway, over grown with trees that
stood like sentries guarding against invaders. He stopped the car in
front of an old dark dilapidated log cabin hidden about two miles
from the road. He got out of the car, and approached the cabin.
When he reached the door, he knocked twice and then let himself in
with the key.
The man sitting in the darkness on the other side of the small one
room cabin rose and crossed to meet Skinner.
"Where have you been? What took you so long? You were only
supposed to make sure she got home safely."
Skinner met the man in the center of the room and wasted no time
exchanging pleasantries but drove his fist square into the man's jaw.
Fox Mulder looked up at the AD from his new position on the floor
with an expression of pain and confusion.
"That was for Agent Scully. She would have delivered it herself,
but she's in the hospital. She collapsed today when I told her that
she couldn't go and say a proper good-bye to you because your body
had been taken to be cremated. Her doctors have informed me that her
cancer has become much more aggressive, now that it has entered her
bloodstream. The disease has progressed at a more accelerated pace
than they had hoped. She isn't expected to leave the hospital."
Skinner snarled as Mulder sat upright on the floor.
"Is she in pain?" He asked after a few minutes, his voice sounding
raw.
"She's been heavily medicated. I don't think she even knows what is
happening to her. Why didn't you tell me that she would have such a
strong reaction to your body being cremated." Skinner asked as
Mulder stood up and returned to the chair on the far side of the
room. "And why didn't you tell me that her cancer had advanced as
far as it had? Jesus, Mulder, she wasn't ready for this. I never
would have put her through this if I had known that the disease had
progressed this far. We would have found another way."
"I didn't know." Mulder said, barely above a whisper.
"What didn't you know?"
"I didn't know any of it." He said his voice growing louder with
each word. "I didn't know that she would react so strongly if she
thought I was going to be cremated. You know as well as I do that it
was the only way to dispose of the body quickly. I didn't know that
Scully would remember that I don't like fire."
"Remember? Mulder she begged me to stop them from burning you. Do
you hear me? She begged me!"
"Yes I heard you." Mulder stood up from the chair and walked to the
window, looking out into the black night. "It had to be done, it is
the only way to save her. It is the only way to save her." Mulder
knew that Skinner would not understand the anguish that it had caused
him to betray Scully as he had. No one could understand the guilt he
had felt putting this plan into motion. Mulder physically shook his
head to try and clear the thoughts from his mind. He had to
concentrate. When this was over, he would have a lifetime to make
this up to Scully, and he planned to make the most out of every
minute of it.
"Mulder, we have to start taking into consideration that we may have
waited too long. She may not be strong enough."
"We will save her." At those words Mulder grabbed his jacket off
the back of the chair and headed for the doorway.
"Where do you think you are going?"
"You're going to take me to the hospital. I brought her back once,
I can do it again. She'll fight if I ask her to." Mulder was
halfway out the door when Skinner grabbed his arm and stopped him.
"You can't go to the hospital, they'll probably be watching her.
You'll risk everything."
"We'll have to make sure that they don't see me." Mulder moved to
go out the door but Skinner's hand held fast on his arm. "I won't
let her go through this alone. We'll either find the answers we need
and she'll live, or she'll be too weak and she will die, but she will
not die alone. You can come with me or you can leave now, but Scully
will not die alone."
Skinner released the grip he had on Mulder's arm and followed him
out of the cabin. They got into the car and drove toward the
hospital.
End of part 1.
__________________________________________________________________
Keep Me From the Cold 2/8
Scully felt strange. As though she were floating, but at the same
time she felt heavily weighed down. She found that when she
attempted to open her eyes or move a hand or a leg, she was unable to
make her body cooperate. Yet, in her mind's eye she visualized
herself floating in a sea of black. There was no form or texture,
only a vastness of empty dark space. Scully didn't like being here.
She tried to move upward out of the world the heavy sedatives and
painkillers had placed her in. She found that with great effort she
could begin to rise upward through the darkness. She likened the
ascent to the rope climbing exercises she had been obligated to pass
during her training for the bureau. Hand over hand, slowly pulling
herself upward.
Before long Scully became aware of voices. She had realized that
she must have been taken to the hospital, and now she knew that she
wasn't alone in her room. Concentrating, she recognized the soft
muffled sobs of her mother, and renewed her efforts to regain
consciousness. She also heard the voices of two men in the room.
One of the voices was Skinner, the other voice she recognized as her
doctor. Scully stopped her struggle to break through the haze to
attempt to hear what they were discussing. The words reaching her
were muffled, as if they were being sent through a filter. Scully
had to strain to hear what they were saying, and she was only able to
catch bits and pieces of the conversation, but it was enough.
Skinner and her mother were questioning the doctor on her prognosis.
Scully only needed to hear the words "I'm sorry" and "Pain
management" to understand that they had given up on her. She doubled
her efforts to fight her way through the darkness, growing angry at
her mother and Skinner for not pushing her doctor to try more than
just medication to keep her comfortable.
Damn it, where's Mulder? He wouldn't let them give up on her. Wait
until he heard that they had abandoned searching for treatment
possibilities. Her battle to reach the top of the rope she
envisioned ended as she remembered that Mulder wouldn't be coming to
her hospital room this time. She wouldn't hear him shouting orders
at nurses or demanding answers from her doctor. Mulder was dead.
His body, by this time, had been reduced to ashes. She had failed
him again. Scully quit fighting the strong pull downward and let
herself slowly sink farther down, away from her mother's cries and
the harsh reality of her illness. She was overcome with the feeling
that although she wasn't by herself in the hospital, without Mulder,
she was alone. The blackness that soon completely surrounded her
didn't seem so bad after all. She welcomed the darkness.
Scully was aware that a significant amount of time had passed but
she couldn't be sure if it were minutes, hours or days. She was
vaguely certain that she had been moved, at Skinner's request, to a
more secluded section of the hospital. She also knew that Skinner
had convinced her mother to go home and get some sleep. Skinner's
voice had filtered through the blackness and Scully had heard him
tell her mother that a private guarded room was necessary. He had
had a more difficult time convincing her mother to go home, but in
the end she had gone. Now to the best of Dana's knowledge she was
alone. Suddenly, she felt him in the room. Before Scully could even
begin to fight her way through the darkness to open her eyes, she
knew that Mulder was now with her.
They had always been able to sense whenever the other was close. At
first, it had unnerved Dana that she and Mulder seemed to share such
a connection. A nexus that she had shared with no other, and
couldn't imagine finding with another. It, unlike the rest of their
relationship, had developed instantly and effortlessly. She had
learned early on not to fight the connection, but to rely on it. She
knew that Mulder had come to depend on it also.
Scully remembered reading once for a mythology course that when the
gods had created humans they had been joined in pairs occupying one
body. It was the punishment of the gods, when the humans displeased
them, that the pairs be separated. They were condemned to spend
eternity searching for the one person that made them complete. Dana
had thought at the time how exceptionally unbelievable that
particular myth had been. How could anyone be completed by another?
It had suggested that a part of herself was missing, a thought that
had been inconceivable to her. Dana had always known that she was a
strong-willed, independent woman. She expected and accepted no less
from herself. She had been involved with a few men throughout her
life. Some of the relationships had been brief flirtations, and a
few had been serious involvements. Yet with every relationship Dana
had retained a separateness. She had never felt that anyone had
brought her anything that she didn't possess on her own. When the
relationships had ended, yes a few times she had felt regret, but she
had never felt that anything had been taken away from her. She had
known that she, in herself, was complete. Then she had met Fox
Mulder, and he had made her whole.
Mulder paused outside of Scully's hospital room. Skinner had
prepared him for what he was about to face. In his career with the
bureau, Mulder had profiled serial killers, been attacked by a giant
flukeworm, and had witnessed events and creatures that other men
would only ever see in their nightmares. Yet, seeing his partner in
this condition was more horrifying to him than anything he had ever
come up against. Mulder opened the door and stepped inside the room.
The door closed behind him and it took a moment for his eyes to
adjust to the new conditions. The room was dark except for the soft
glow of the street lights coming through the windows. He walked to
where Scully lay in bed. Even in the dark he could tell how pale her
skin had become. A wave of guilt washed over him. Had he done this?
Skinner had told him how violently she had reacted in the parking
garage. Was he responsible for draining the life out of her? He
surveyed the array of tubes and wires that connected her to the
various machines located next to her bed. He closed his eyes and
took solace in the strong, even chirps emitting from the heart
monitor.
He remembered another time when he had been desperate to reach her
hospital bedside. Hell, he had been desperate to reach her. It was
right after she had been returned to him. She had appeared to be
worse then. He had reacted violently when he had first seen her, the
bastards having even taped her eyes closed. He had thought then that
he was going to lose her. Briefly, he took comfort in the knowledge
that she had lived, and his jaw set in determination that she would
live this time too.
"This time." Mulder whispered his thoughts out loud as he sat down
next to her and took Scully's hand into his own. How hard he had
always tried to protect her, but now once again he was sitting in a
hospital room, next to her bed, willing her the strength to live.
From the very moment she had walked bravely into his office he had
tried to protect her from his world. In the beginning he had tried
to shock her, frighten her, and even at times go so far as to
ridicule her in an attempt to keep her on the outside. But his
efforts had failed and she had been drawn into the depths of the hell
that he had spent so many years dwelling in alone. And therein had
been the problem, he had been so tired of being alone. He hadn't
always been, he had once had Samantha. He hadn't been able to
protect her either. He had been fighting his battle alone for so
very long that when Scully had joined his struggle he had deluded
himself into believing that he could protect her. He had sacrificed
her safety because he had not wanted to continue alone any longer.
He had allowed her to entangle her life with his so intricately that
there were times he was unsure of where he ended and she began. That
frightened him.
Mulder remembered learning in one of his many psychology classes,
that some theorists believed that trust and love were not innate
characteristics. Trust and love needed to be learned. Growing up,
even before Samantha's disappearance, the Mulder household had been
laden with secrets and suspicion. His parents had taught him,
through example, how not to trust, and that love came only with
conditions. No one he had encountered in his life had taught him
anything different, until he had met Dana Scully. Scully had taught
him in four years more about trusting another person than he had
learned in all the years before she had entered his life. Sometimes
he thought of his life as existing in two stages, the time before she
had taken the first steps into his office, and the time after. He
watched her laying motionlessly on the hospital bed and knew that he
could never return to the way it was before he had met her. She had
changed him. She had helped to spread light into all the dark places
of his past and personality that he had always felt needed to be kept
hidden. Each time a new secret of his past had come into light, he
expected her to leave him, as the others had--but not Scully. Scully
would follow him into the darkness and they would find the light,
together. Scully had also brought into his life something that he
had resigned himself to never possessing: hope. The hope that, yes,
together they would learn what had happened to Samantha; but also the
hope that not only would Scully teach him how to trust, but that she
would also teach him how to love.
Mulder knew in his head that he was an eager pupil, but he was
having a difficult time convincing his heart to lower its last
barricade and let her in. He had come close, letting her get nearer
to him emotionally than he had ever let anyone get, yet pushing her
away before she was able to pass his last layer of defenses. Mulder
had learned that loving someone only gave them, if they chose to use
it, the power to hurt and betray him. He knew that Scully would
never intentionally do either, yet there were times he still pushed
her away. There were still times he wanted to make certain that she
knew that she was working with "Spooky Mulder". He had never been
taught to trust, but he had done well in learning his lessons on how
to test trust. He knew those times were painful to her, that he
could be hurtful. He hoped that she understood. When a man grows up
in a world where everyone who means anything to him leaves or becomes
indifferent, he learns to question anyone who stays and offers
warmth. There had been so many moments over the years that he had
given her the opportunity and cause to walk away. She never did. He
knew that Scully would never willingly leave him. At that moment,
Mulder promised himself that when they emerged together from the
darkness, this time, he would tell her everything that was guarded in
his heart, and let her in; if that's what she wanted.
Mulder sat silently in the dark hospital room watching the woman
who had started out as his partner but had become his life. He
prayed that she knew that he would never willingly leave her. It
suddenly became infinitely important to him that she understood he
had not left her.
Mulder leaned forward toward Scully, with his free hand he brushed
her hair off of her forehead.
"Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Can you open your eyes for me?"
At the sound of Mulder's voice Scully was able to break through the
haze and she slowly opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was her
partner's beautiful smile. He was seated next to her, the light
coming in from the window behind him cast an almost mystical quality
to him. Scully closed her eyes for a moment, attempting to clear the
sleep from her vision. When she reopened them, she looked more
deeply into the deep hazel pools of her partner's eyes. Even in her
weakened condition Scully read the concern there. She gave the hand
that was holding hers a reassuring squeeze.
"Sleeping Beauty?" Her voice was weak.
"I was beginning to think that you were never going to wake up," he
teased as he brought her hand to his lips and kissed her. "I was
just about to attempt to wake you with a kiss, but I wasn't sure how
you would respond to me impersonating your Prince Charming."
"Not my Prince Charming." Dana whispered matter-of-factly. "My
Mulder." She smiled.
Mulder felt the warmth of her smile wash over him and he gifted her
with one of his own. Anyone who would have overheard her last
statement would have attributed the remark to the painkillers she was
being given. Mulder, however, understood her meaning perfectly.
After all, she was his Scully.
Scully watched Mulder studying her, she was confused. This time
wasn't like the last two. She could, of course, see Mulder sitting
in front of her, but she could also feel him holding her hand, and
she could hear his voice. Although Scully would not trade this for
anything she could ever receive, this moment was bittersweet. She
had been given the opportunity to tell him everything that she had
always wanted but had never dared. Yet, at the same time, for the
first time since she had found out that she was ill, Scully knew that
she was close to death, and that it would take her soon. Mulder had
been right, who else could view the dead but those close to death
themselves. Her time was close. If it wasn't, Mulder wouldn't have
been able to cross the barrier between life and death to come to her.
End of Part 2
__________________________________________________________________
Keep Me From the Cold 3/8
"Thank you Mulder." Scully whispered.
"Thank you? For what? Putting you into the hospital yet again?
How many walks in the woods are you going to forgive me for,
partner?"
Scully's mind traveled back to the time when they had traveled up to
the logging camp. That was the first time Mulder had pursued a case
where they had both ended up in a hospital quarantine. It certainly
hadn't been the last. She had forgiven him every time. It was,
technically, never his fault. When Mulder was pursuing a case he was
blind to everything but following what he believed was the truth.
Occasionally, the trails he choose took them both straight to the
hospital. She knew that he felt guilty then, feeling that he had
placed her life in danger. Mulder would become overprotective of her
then. She was usually tolerant of him during these periods. She
knew, that before long, the truths he sought would beckon him again.
He would then rejoin the pursuit, and she would travel beside him.
He needed her as much as she needed him.
"Thank you for knowing that I couldn't get through this by myself."
Scully withdrew her hand from his, reached up and gently stroked
Mulder's cheek. "It's not your fault I'm in the hospital, or that I
got sick."
Mulder placed his hand over hers and held it to where it rested on
his cheek. He felt the heat of her touch travel to spread warmth to
his heart. He momentarily indulged himself in the forgiveness that
she was offering. Before long, a more powerful sense of unworthiness
came over him.
"It is my fault Scully. You were given cancer in order to
manipulate me. They used you to try to control me. It's just like
you said; they gave you this disease to make me believe."
"I didn't mean that Mulder. I had just found out that the cancer
had metastasized. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was so angry about
what they had done to us. You were vulnerable, and I struck out at
you." Tears began to fall rapidly from Scully's eyes. She made no
effort to wipe them away as they trailed down her cheeks into the
pillow. "I didn't mean to take away everything you were holding
onto. I know what that feels like now, because you were everything I
was holding onto. Now I've lost you. When I got the phone call from
the police, and I saw that you were dead; for a moment I was glad
that I was dying. I wasn't sure I wanted to live after what I had
done to you."
"Scully." Mulder released his hold on her hand that was still
resting against his face. He tenderly brushed away her tears. "I'm
fine. I'm right here with you."
"You're here with me because I need you, but Mulder I know the truth
now"
"What truth Scully?"
"That I'm dying. I know because I can see you. Just like I was
able to see the girl in the restroom, after she had died."
Realization struck Mulder like a brutal blow to the abdomen. She
thought that he was a vision, an apparition. That was why she hadn't
asked him about the faked suicide. Why she hadn't taken her eyes off
him, fearing that he would suddenly disappear.
"Dana, close your eyes."
She hesitated momentarily but trustingly did as he asked. Mulder
once again took her hand, this time placing in on his chest, over his
heart.
"Can you feel that? My heart beating? Can you feel my chest rise
and fall as I take air into my lungs and breathe it out?"
Scully nodded, her eyes still closed.
"You're a doctor Scully. Scientifically, this should prove to you
that I'm alive." He chose his words carefully, hoping to make her
examine the evidence he was putting out to her. He watched as she
fought to reopen her eyes. She was quickly growing tired.
"I've been looking to science since I first learned that I was sick.
Science doesn't have anything to offer me any more. Sometimes you
have to search outside the explanations science offers." Scully
spread her fingers of the hand that Mulder still held to his chest,
causing his fingers to lace with hers. "I learned that from you."
She paused and Mulder saw dark shadows passing across her eyes.
"Besides, you would never purposefully hurt me that way."
Once again Mulder felt a painful stab of awareness nearly double him
over. What had he done? He had caused her to abandon her own
beliefs and grasp onto his. She hadn't done it willingly, only as an
attempt to protect herself from the possibility that he had betrayed
her. In that instant, Mulder made a decision.
"No Scully. I would never purposefully hurt you that way."
After everything that he had put her through, if their plan was
unsuccessful, this was all he had left to give to her. If she died,
she would not die knowing that he had deceived her. If their plan
were successful, he would take the ass-kicking she was bound to give
him like a man. He felt her hand go slack in his and saw that her
eyes had drifted closed again.
"Scully?" he whispered, not ready to let her sleep yet.
"Hmm?"
"Why didn't you tell me your cancer had spread?"
It took her a moment, but she was able to push away the darkness and
reopen her eyes.
"I was scared," she said softly. The admission wasn't easy for her.
Scully turned her head away from Mulder, momentarily unable to face
him. A voice from within reminded her that this might be her last
opportunity to be honest with him, and with herself. She turned her
head back and met his gaze. "I was scared," she repeated more
clearly than before.
"Scared? You know I would have been right there with you. I would
have kept you from being afraid." Mulder placed both of his elbows
on the bed, in an effort to better hear her weakening voice. He
still held her hand, now grasping it with both of his.
"I knew you would try. I was afraid, with everything that was
happening, that you wouldn't choose me. I needed you to choose me
because that's what you wanted; not because I asked you to."
Scully's voice took on a childlike quality, in telling Mulder of her
fears. Fresh tears were beginning to fall and she attempted,
unsuccessfully, to wipe them away with the back of her hand.
" I don't understand, Scully,' his voice was soft, coaxing. "Choose
you over what?"
"You were going to fly up to the excavation site," her tears were
flowing freely now. "I told you that I couldn't go with you. If I
had told you it was because I was too sick to go, you would have had
to choose between me and finding the answers to what you've been
searching for. I was afraid you wouldn't choose me. I was afraid
you would leave."
"I would have stayed," he said answering her without hesitation. "I
would have chosen you. We would have discovered another way to find
the answers."
"I could have helped you too, Mulder." Scully could see the
darkness regaining control, ebbing around the perimeters of her
vision. She didn't have any strength left to fight it. "I could
have helped you find another way." Scully closed her eyes and began
to give into the sleeplike state that was summoning her. She felt
Mulder press his lips to her forehead and forced herself to
concentrate on the words he was speaking into her ear.
"Scully, I know I've asked a lot from you. I need you to do one
more thing for me. Hang on. Rest if you need to, but I need you to
promise me that you won't leave me until I tell you that it's OK for
you to go. Promise me Scully. Can you do that? Promise you won't
leave me."
Dana mouthed the words, "I promise," and gave him what little voice
that she had left. She sank into the darkness hoping he had heard
her, and praying the last promise she made to him wouldn't be the
first one she couldn't keep.
End of Part 3
Keep Me From the Cold 4/8
Mulder sat in silence, Scully's hand still resting between his. How
could she have thought that he wouldn't have stayed with her? How
could she believe that he wouldn't have chosen her? Scully knew that
he would risk everything he had for her. Didn't she? In essence, at
this very moment in time, he was risking everything for her. He was
willing to lose it all if it meant she would live. Didn't she know
the lengths he was willing to go for her? He abandoned his thoughts
for a moment to gaze at her beautiful face, the answer to his
questions taking him almost by surprise.
"How would she know Mulder?" he asked himself quietly. "You never
told her." He had made her his entire world, but he had never told
her.
"Scully," he whispered close to her ear. "You made me a promise,
now I'm going to make you one. When you wake up, I promise you're
never going to doubt that I will always choose you. So, how about we
make a deal? You keep the promise you made to me, and I'll spend the
rest of my life keeping the one I'm making to you."
He gently rested his forehead against hers briefly before folding
his arms on the bed, careful not to let go of her hand. He couldn't
remember the last time he had slept. He rested his face on his arms,
his head nestled next to Scully's hip, the chirping of the heart
monitor lulling him to sleep.
Skinner opened the door to Scully's hospital room, he nodded to
Frohike, who stood watch at the end of the hallway. Skinner had
questioned Mulder's decision of placing the strange, little man in
such a pivotal role. Mulder had insisted that there was no one else
he trusted to keep their secret, or with Scully's life. Quickly
stepping inside, he let the door close behind him. He stood still
for a moment letting his eyes adjust from the bright florescent
lights of the hallway to the moonlit illumination of Scully's room.
Stepping closer to the bed, Skinner saw the two agents. Even though
they were both deep in sleep, he felt as if he were an intruder.
They shared a closeness he didn't understand. There were times he
questioned whether they, themselves, understood. They were both
aware, he knew, but he doubted that either completely comprehended
the strength they supplied to each other. Skinner had witnessed the
utter loyalty and devotion they shared professionally. Separately,
they each were of above average intelligence and were each driven,
yet both were prone to wander aimlessly without direction. Together
they complemented each other, strengthening each others strengths,
compensating for each other's weaknesses. Each forcing the other to
move forward. Skinner suspected that the people who had initially
partnered these two agents never suspected the threat they would
become. Skinner walked to Scully's bedside, opposite Mulder. He
found himself hoping his eyes were deceiving him. The disease had
taken its toll on her even in the few short hours it had been since
he had brought her here. His gaze shifted to Mulder. They needed to
move quickly. Skinner walked over to Mulder and put his hand on the
sleeping man's shoulder. Mulder sat up in alarm, quickly checking to
see that Scully was still next to him. Once he was sure of her
safety he turned to look up at Skinner.
"What time is it?" Mulder carefully placed Scully's hand next to
her sleeping form, stood and stretched his aching muscles.
"You've been here three hours. How is she?"
"She was conscious, but not for long. She's extremely weak."
Mulder said running his hand through his hair in frustration. "This
plan has to work."
"It has worked." Skinner pulled a small vial of deep blue liquid
from the inside of his jacket pocket.
"What is it?"
"I've been led to believe that it's the cure she needs."
"A cure for cancer?" Mulder asked incredulously.
"A cure for the man made disease she was given that mimics cancer."
Mulder reached out his hand and Skinner placed the vial in his palm.
"Careful, there's only one."
Mulder walked over to the window, holding the vial up to the light,
studying the contents.
"What did they make you do for this?"
Mulder's question was legitimate, yet it still made Skinner flinch.
He realized he was a willing participant in a game he didn't know all
the rules to. He had been reminded of that tonight while performing
his assigned tasks.
"I had to erase your hard drive and destroy any evidence you may
have had copies of."
"Home or the office?"
"Both."
Mulder lowered his eyes from the gaze of the director. Years of
his work, information that could never be replaced. Gone. He looked
back to Scully on the bed and his grip tightened around the vial that
could save her life. He looked back to Skinner.
"Anything else?"
"I thoroughly searched your apartment."
"The maid's not going to like you in the morning." Mulder joked out
of a need to grasp onto something familiar to him. He would let the
government deny everything; humor was his defense mechanism of
choice.
"I fed your fish."
"Thanks. What else?"
"That was all."
"You crashed my computer and trashed my apartment and they gave you
this?" he asked holding up the vial. "What else?"
"That's it, for now. I seem to be remaining on retainer."
"What are you talking about?" Mulder demanded.
"They're not done with me yet." Skinner snarled.
"Then how did you get this?"
"I told them she was dying, that she might not live through the
night. Now that you're dead I think they're afraid to let her die."
Skinner's last statement caused Mulder to start pacing the room,
speaking random thoughts out loud.
"It would cause suspicion to have the only two agents assigned to a
specialized division of the FBI die within such a short time of one
another. If they save her, you would be indebted to them, as would
she. These are the reasons I thought this plan would be successful,
the reasons I let her, and them believe I died. I didn't expect the
answer so soon."
"Mulder, you can dissect their motives after we inject Scully with
the contents of the vial." Skinner reached out to retrieve the vial
of liquid but Mulder pulled his hand out of Skinner's reach.
"We don't know what this is. We don't have the time or the
independent resources available to have the contents of this vial
analyzed. We don't know what it could do to her. She could die if
we give it to her."
"If we don't give it to her, she will die."
"Consider the argument. If Scully dies, they will have no
resistance, no one to stand in their way. Yes, there will be those
who find this whole scenario worthy of investigation. They won't
find anything, you just make certain of that. It will eventually
blow over, and no one will be the wiser. Who would be there to stop
them then?"
"I would be. Listen Mulder, this is the only chance she has. Look
at her!" Skinner forced Mulder to face the bed where his partner lay
riddled with disease. "She's dying right before your eyes. The
sound from the heart monitor isn't a reassurance that she's alive,
it's a sign that the infected blood is being pumped into more and
more of her body." Skinner paused and the two men stood quietly, the
monitor marking away more of the time the woman in the bed had left
to live. "Make your peace with this Mulder. I'm going to find a
syringe."
Skinner walked out of the hospital room as Mulder took his place,
once again, in the chair next to her. The repetitive noise from the
monitor filling the room. It had once comforted him. Now it was his
enemy. He envisioned blood cells ravaged with cancer spreading
throughout her body. He reached up to sooth the angry bruise on her
cheek, needing an excuse to touch her. His fingers lightly touching
her cheek bone, he gasped pulling his hand away. He placed his hand
on her forehead. She was burning up with fever. He stood up and
went into the tiny bathroom housed within her room. He grabbed a
wash cloth and wet it with cold water from the sink. Returning to
the bedside chair, he placed the wash cloth on her forehead.
"Come on, Scully. You made me a promise. Hang on. I didn't tell
you that you could leave me yet." He picked up her hand, now also
warm from her increasing body temperature. "Help me, Scully. Tell
me what to do," he pleaded as she remained motionless. "Hey,
Sleeping Beauty. Can you open your eyes for me?" Scully was
unresponsive with Mulder's plea this second time. "How am I going to
know which dragons to slay if you're not here to tell me? I don't
know if I'm strong enough to do this, Scully. I don't know if I can
inject you with something that may kill you instead of making you
well. I'm trying to think of what you would want me to do. It's a
risk. How can I make this decision for you? I need you, Scully."
Mulder's voice shook with emotion. "I want to be selfish and do
whatever it takes to bring you back to me. Is that what you would
want? Is this what you would do, if the situation were reversed?"
Mulder watched her sleeping, knowing that Skinner would be back
soon. He had to make a decision. She had placed her life in his
hands many times before, trusting him to safely deliver her from
danger. Without the injection, Skinner was right, she would die. He
knew he couldn't sit by her side and watch her die. He knew what he
had to do.
Scully heard Mulder's voice. It seemed as though he was so very far
away. When, in fact, she knew he was next to her. She could feel
his hand holding hers. She was trying so hard to reach him but the
darkness was becoming stronger, heavier, weighing her down. The dull
numbness that she had felt was being replaced by a piercing pain,
originating in her forehead and resonating throughout the rest of her
body in sharp waves. She needed something to hold onto, something to
use to pull her out of this place. Mulder. Mulder was with her.
Together, they had always fought the darkness, pulling each other
through. If only she could just let him know that she was trying to
reach him. Concentrating her efforts she focused on the feel of
Mulder's hand holding hers. Gathering her strength she began her
journey towards him, using his voice as a beacon guiding her through
the darkness.
Mulder felt Scully's fingers tighten around his hand, almost
imperceptibly. He sat very still, fearing he had imagined the
movement, afraid even taking a breath would cause him to miss her
next attempt to reach him.
"Scully? I know you're trying to fight your way back. I'm right
here next to you." He tightened his grip on her hand. "Can you feel
me holding your hand?" Her fingers tightened around his, a silent
answer to his question. "That's good, Scully."
His voice was growing louder and Dana continued toward it. The
closer she felt she was to him, the stronger the throbbing in her
head became. Whenever the urge to give up overwhelmed her, she
listened to the deep tones of his voice calling her. Before long the
darkness parted. Mulder had pulled her into the light, but something
was wrong, it was too bright. Dana opened her eyes only to close
them as quickly and tightly as she could as hot searing pain coursed
through her.
"Mulder!" She called for him, his name coming from her lips in a
groan of agony. She twisted and turned on the bed, thrashing
violently, trying to escape the hot fire that was consuming her.
"Mulder! It hurts!" she cried as he stood helplessly next to the
bed watching her. Mulder tried to offer her comfort, she fought his
touch.
"Scully, I'm right here. Tell me what's happening."
"It hurts. Make it stop," she begged him. "Please Mulder, make it
stop!" She turned away from him, onto her side, drawing her knees up
to her chest, futilely seeking relief from the onslaught of pain
seizing her body.
Mulder ran to the door, throwing it open and calling to Frohike.
"Get Skinner, now!" he ordered.
Rushing back to the bed, Mulder saw her body beginning to shake and
convulse. Without hesitating he joined her in the bed, pulling her
body so that her back pressed tightly against his chest. Her head
tucked beneath his, his cheek to her temple. Reaching one arm
underneath her still trembling body he wrapped her into a protective
embrace. She struggled to break free from his grasp.
"Shh.., Scully. It's gong to be all right. I'm not going to let
you go. I don't want you to accidentally hurt yourself." Mulder
kept his tones even, careful not to reveal to her the panic he was
feeling. A soft moan escaped her lips, her body continuing to
tremble as if she were cold. "That's it, don't fight me."
"What's happening?" Skinner raced into the room and up to the side
of the bed.
"She's convulsing, a seizure maybe. She was thrashing in pain. I
thought she would hurt herself."
"I'll get a doctor." Skinner said turning to leave.
"No!" Mulder insisted stopping him. "Did you get the syringe?"
"Mulder..,"
"Did you get it?"
"Yes."
"Inject the liquid into the heplock of her IV. It will enter her
system faster that way." Mulder saw that now Skinner was hesitant.
"She's in pain. Give her what was in that vial."
A low moan from Scully and the beginning of another set of violent
tremors shaking her body convinced Skinner to begin injecting the
blue contents of the already prepared syringe into the heplock.
Mulder tightened his hold on her, preparing to help her get through
this new attack. Skinner injected the full contents of the syringe
into the heplock, he and Mulder watching as the blue liquid traveled
down the length of the IV line to where it entered Scully's wrist.
Mulder moved his head slightly, so that his mouth was directly next
to her ear.
"I did my best, Scully. Forgive me if it's not good enough," he
whispered to her. There was no turning back now, he realized, as he
watched more and more of the blue liquid draining into her. Skinner
quietly left the room, allowing Mulder and Scully some privacy. "No
matter what happens now, I won't leave you. All these years, you
never left me willingly. I won't leave you until you are safe.
Dana, I don't know what I'd do without you. Please, don't make me
find out." Mulder's eyes filled with tears as he continued to hold
her body next to him. "I need to thank you for everything you've
done for me. Thank you for always being there even when you didn't
believe. I know it was because you believed in me. I always thought
I'd have more time to tell you everything I need to. Thank you for
trusting me, and teaching me how to trust you. I'd always hoped you
would stick around and teach me how to love you. You know what?"
Mulder was whispering softly now, tears falling rapidly from his
eyes. A small smile formed on his lips. "Like most of the other
lessons you've taught me that one must have sunk in while I wasn't
even aware it was happening." He paused moving only briefly to kiss
away one of his tears that had fallen on her cheek. "I love you
Scully."
To Scully, the pain wreaking havoc on her body was unbearable.
Every nerve ending was being assaulted with such intolerable agony
she felt as if she were being physically pulled apart. She tried to
let herself sink back into the unending darkness, but it refused to
take her. Punishment for fighting it in the first place. She heard
Mulder's voice above the deafening roar taking place in her head.
She felt him holding her. There were so many things she still wanted
to say to him. The only comfort she had; trapped in a body rapidly
dying, was that she would be with him soon. They could both move
onto a place where there was no pain, sadness, guilt or regret, only
love. She began to convulse again, her blood seeming to boil in her
veins. She cried out to Mulder, again and again, begging him to help
her make it stop. Anything to make it stop. She felt his tears mix
with her own as he could only hold her tighter.
Her cries were becoming softer now, her body in a state of
heightened awareness awaiting the next battle of the war being waged
within her. He couldn't let her go on like this, not if she were
holding on for him.
"Scully..," his voice was rough, ragged. "You promised me you
wouldn't leave me until I told you that you could go." The next
words stayed caught in his throat, his body refusing to do what his
mind knew was the right thing. "You've been so strong, so brave. If
it hurts too much to stay, Dana; you can let go now." Mulder held
her as tightly as he dared, resting his chin on the top of her head.
"You can go now."
A faint tingling sensation began to spread throughout Dana's body,
slowly replacing the agonizing pain that had plagued her. She was so
tired, drained, she needed to rest. The darkness opened up to her
again and she welcomed it. Just before letting go, she felt Mulder
pull her more tightly into his arms, the harbor of his heart.
"Mulder." She whispered. She held on until she knew for certain he
had positioned his head where he could better hear her. "I love you
too." Feeling his lips on her cheek, next to her mouth, she let
herself blissfully become enveloped by the darkness waiting for her.
Falling farther and deeper that she ever had before.
He stayed with her, holding her, waiting for the heart monitor to
signal that her cancer was no longer spreading.
End of Part 4
To be continued
Keep Me From the Cold 5/8
Skinner paced the empty hallway outside of Scully's room. It would
be light soon. It was dangerous enough to bring Mulder here under
the protective mask of night, but to try and sneak him out in full
daylight would be impossible. It had been two hours since they had
given Scully the injection. The silence of the hallway had become
deafening as Skinner listened for any indication of what might be
happening behind the closed door. Nothing. For the fifth time in as
many minutes Skinner checked his watch. It was time for them to
leave.
With trepidation, Skinner opened the door. A faint orange hue being
emitted from the rising sun cast a soft glow throughout the room.
Mulder was sitting in the chair next to Dana's bedside, her hand in
his. Skinner was aware that the cardiac monitor still sang, strong
and steady. His gaze fell to Scully. She looked peaceful, her face
no longer contorted with pain.
"How is she?" Skinner asked approaching the bed.
"I don't know." The complete helplessness he was feeling registered
in his voice. "Her fever broke. She hasn't experienced any more
convulsions. She's going to need tests."
"We need to go. You need to get back to the cabin."
Mulder shook his head in refusal. Skinner noted the set of the
younger man's jaw, showing his determination.
"It will be light soon." Skinner reminded.
"I promised her I wouldn't leave."
"You said yourself, she needs tests. She needs to be treated by a
doctor. We've done all we can for her. Until we know for certain
that she's improving, we can't risk compromising the plan. Even if
what was in the vial worked, she's still too weak. She needs the
time you remaining dead will buy her. Mulder, don't let your
emotions destroy everything we've accomplished so far."
Mulder grudgingly nodded. Her vital signs were steadily improving,
but she wouldn't survive even the smallest setback. He would leave
her, but it would be the last time he would ever walk away.
"Give me a minute."
"Frohike has procured a set of surgical scrubs and a mask. We'll be
waiting outside the door."
"I don't have to sneak out with the laundry?"
"Not this time. There was a multi-car accident, the ER is buzzing
with people. You can go out through there without being noticed.
Don't be long."
Mulder nodded as he watched Skinner leave the room. He turned his
attention back to the woman he loved. Woman he loved -- this idea
was new to him, yet it really hadn't taken him by surprise. He, Fox
William Mulder, was in love with Dana Katherine Scully. He repeated
these words over and over again in his mind, knowing if anyone walked
in they would see a silly smile on his face. He didn't care. He
wanted to shout the words to anyone who would listen. He had cared
for her for so very long; probably since the first time she had
questioned one of his theories, or had refused to acknowledge one of
his jokes. The moment his heart began to splinter into thousands of
pieces when he thought he was losing her, he knew. He knew he was in
love with her. The reality that had caused his heart to swell, and
still continued to bring tears to his eyes, was that she loved him
too. He had spent the last two hours grasping onto the belief that
if there were a supreme being in the heavens controlling their
destiny, He would never be so cruel as to take Dana away from him
now. Mulder had prayed with the strength of her beliefs.
Mulder stood and leaned over her resting form, kissing her lips
softly.
"I love you Scully. Hang onto that. I won't be very far away." He
kissed her hand. " I love you." He whispered one last time before
walking out of the room.
_ _ _ _ _ _
Dana became aware of a presence in the room. It wasn't Mulder in
the room with her, she was certain. She wasn't frightened, although
she couldn't reason why. A hand covered her forehead, a thumb
stroking small soothing circles. A warmth seeped from the hand. A
warmth that she found herself missing when she felt it leave her
forehead. A similar feeling began to flow through her lower abdomen
as she perceived the slight pressure of a hand pressing on her lower
body. Then as soon as the presence had entered the room, it was
gone. Dana rested.
_ _ _ _ _ _
She couldn't believe something as mundane as driving a car could
feel this good. She usually drove with the windows securely rolled
up but tonight they were wide open. The wind was playing with her
hair, the cool night air caressing her face. The music playing was
fast and loud, and she was alive.
Two weeks had passed since she had collapsed in the parking garage.
She had been unconscious for three days following her admittance.
Her mother had told her she had drifted in and out. She had no
memory of those brief periods she had been conscious, except for the
first night. That was burned into her memory for the rest of her
life. Her mother and Charles had kept vigil at her bedside, taking
turns sitting with her: incredibly concerned, lovingly hopeful,
constantly present. Her mother was currently staying with her and
had been for the past five days she had been home from the hospital.
Maggie had tried to persuade her against venturing out tonight,
arguing it was too soon. Scully needed some time alone. She had
left despite her mother's protests, promising to return soon. She
looked at the digital clock on the dashboard. She had time. She had
all the time in the world.
The doctors called her recovery a miracle. The mass was gone; her
blood, cancer cell free. For days they had taken blood, run x-rays,
performed tests, poked and prodded her until she had nothing left to
give them. Medicine offered no explanations as to why she still
lived. At first the doctors had been skeptical, refusing to promise
the hope of her full recovery to her family. It was soon
irrefutable. She was free of the disease that had nearly taken her
life. She had let them take her blood and run their tests, but she
knew death no longer threatened her. She knew because she had lost
the ability to detect Mulder. She had lost him twice.
Scully thought she had been driving aimlessly, simply enjoying the
ride. Taking a moment to examine her location, she was not surprised
to realize where she had come. Slowing the car she parked in front
of the familiar apartment building. Turning off the engine, she sat
in silence. How many times had she come here? Sometimes he would be
waiting for her and she wouldn't even get out of the car. More
often, she would arrive a little earlier than he expected and she
would wait inside the apartment. Secretly, she cherished this time
with him. She enjoyed watching his last minute packing preparations:
throwing together the traveling shaving kit, tossing in a pair of
running shorts and shoes, feeding the fish, and meticulously choosing
his ties. She had always teased him that the choice was so difficult
because they were all bad and he was trying to pick the least
offensive one. No matter how many times she had teased him, he
always flashed her a smile while reaching past one that might have
matched his suit and grabbing a pattern that didn't even come close.
That was her Mulder. A sadness came over her. It was quickly
replaced with stubborn determination. In her mind, he would always
be her Mulder.
Dana got out of her car, making her way slowly to Mulder's
apartment. She tired easily these days; the only residual reminder
she had been ill. Each day she became a little bit stronger. She
considered turning back and waiting until she had more strength. She
would never have the strength she needed for this. Now was as good a
time as there would ever be. She inserted the key marked with his
name into the lock and opened the door, trying to shut out the images
haunting her from the last time she had been here. The apartment was
dark. Dana reached for the light switch and flipped it up. Her eyes
widened in horror at the condition of the apartment. It had been
ransacked and its contents strewn haphazardly about. She stepped
into the apartment, automatically picking up a few sheets of paper in
her path. Carefully side-stepping broken glass, she walked to the
center of the apartment's living room. The last haven she had to
surround herself with him had
been violated.
Standing in the center of the room, Scully surveyed the damage.
Lamps lay shattered on the floor. The contents of the desk drawers
were spread across the entire room with the drawers themselves upside
down near the desk. Books littered the room. Files fallen
everywhere. Torn and shredded paper now carpeted the floor. She
moved carefully to the bathroom, turning on the light only to find
more of the same. The shaving kit she had watched him pack dozens of
times was carelessly dumped out in the bathtub, so -- it appeared --
was the rest of the medicine cabinet. What was left of the cabinet
hung lopsided above the sink, its mirror, in pieces, cluttering the
floor. Continuing, she moved to the kitchen. Scully placed one foot
on the linoleum and heard the sound of breaking glass. Turning on
the light, she saw that the floor was covered with broken dishes.
The cabinet doors hung open, baring their empty interiors.
Bending, Dana picked up a bigger piece of what had once been a
plate, adding it to the papers she was still carrying. Switching the
broken plate to her other hand, she cut her finger on a sharp edge of
the jagged piece. The cut was shallow, yet a small trickle of blood
still ran down her hand. Scully stared at her hand, a deep feeling
of sadness overwhelming her. She had kept her feelings effectively
bottled up during her hospital stay and at home in front of her
mother. Here, in his apartment, she could no longer hold back the
anger. She took the piece of glass that had cut her and with all her
might threw it across the room. She found small satisfaction in the
sound of the glass shattering on impact of the wall, and then
spraying in smaller pieces onto the floor. Quickly she located
another, larger piece of glass and threw it to the wall. Again and
again she repeated the purging of the anger inside of her. The fury
for the helplessness she had felt for so many months while her body
had become diseased. The rage she felt because of what *they* had
put Mulder and herself through. Anger at Mulder for leaving her; and
finally anger at herself for not being able to stop him. She should
have been able to see what was happening and stop him before it had
been too late.
Deep sobs began to shake her body as she moved away from the glass
in time for her legs to fail her. She sank to her knees among the
papers blanketing the living room. At last, uninhibited, she allowed
herself to cry. With the anger gone, she felt the loss -- a pain
more unbearable than what she had felt in the hospital descending
upon her. Grabbing a throw pillow from nearby, she clutched it to
her breast and buried her face in the cloth. She cried for the
dreams that had died with him and the possibilities that would never
exist. She cried at the senselessness of a brilliant life cut short
and the injustice at him being dead and their enemies still alive.
She cried because he had left her to fight them alone, when she
wasn't sure she had the strength left to do so without him. She
cried because he had died, and she cried because she was going to
live.
When there were no tears left, when her sobs were replaced with soft
hiccups, she lifted her head.
"I don't know what you thought would happen next, Mulder," she said,
talking out loud. "I'm going to fight them. I'm going to find out
what was so important to them. Why they were using you. My life was
saved for a reason. I'm going to keep looking Mulder.., for
Samantha. When I find her I'm going to tell her everything about
you. I'm going to tell her how you never gave up looking for her.
I'm going to tell her how important she was to you, how much you
loved her. I'm not going to give up, Mulder. If she asks me why I
kept searching, even after you were gone, I'm going to spend hours
telling her all the reasons why I loved you. Reasons I never got a
chance to tell you."
Wiping her eyes, she looked around the room again, her gaze drawn to
the fish tank sitting in the corner. Puzzled, she stood and walked
to the tank. Lifting the lid she watched the fish swimming in the
water. How were the fish still alive? Mulder never had very good
luck with fish. They never lived very long. It had been two weeks
since he had died. How had they survived? Scully knew that his
mother hadn't been feeding them. Dana had been trying to get in
touch with Mrs. Mulder since she had regained consciousness. A
neighbor checking on the house had finally answered the phone and
said that Mulder's mother had gone to Europe to visit relatives.
There would be a memorial service for Mulder when she returned, but
the neighbor hadn't known when that would be. Walking back into the
kitchen, she carefully navigated through the glass and searched the
mess until she found a plastic zip-lock bag. Returning to the living
room she dipped the bag into the tank, lifting the two fish and a
sufficient amount of water out. She smiled at the two creatures
swimming as she sealed the top of the bag. Grabbing the fish food,
she walked to the front door. Stopping only at the entrance to the
kitchen to turn off the light. Opening the door, she turned to take
one last look around. She would come back another day and straighten
up. Pack it up, maybe. Mulder wouldn't want his mother to have to
see the final act they had taken against her son. Scully would take
care of it for him. Switching off the light, she locked the door and
went to her car. Her mother would be worried because she had been
gone so long.
_ _ _ _ _ _
"Has Agent Scully arrived yet?" Skinner's voice blasted impatiently
over the intercom unit in his secretary's office.
"No Sir, not yet." His secretary replied.
"Send her in as soon as she arrives."
"Yes Sir."
Skinner read the memo in front of him for the third time, still
unable to believe the written words. Checking his watch, he reached
for the intercom to call his secretary again when he heard a knock at
the door.
"Come in." Skinner stood as Dana walked into the room. He crossed
the room, closing the office door for privacy.
"Hello Sir."
"Hello Agent Scully. How are you?" Skinner guided Scully to one of
the two chairs facing his desk. She sat down, refusing to
acknowledge the empty chair to her right. Skinner sat down behind
the desk.
"Ready to go back to work." Scully answered directly.
"It's only been three weeks, Scully. Are you sure you're ready?"
"Yes Sir."
"In that case I believe a teaching assignment at Quantico is
appropriate until we re-evaluate a more permanent department for you.
I'm sure that..,"
"Sir?" Dana sat forward in her chair, interrupting.
"Yes."
"I have been informed you've received a memo regarding my current
and future permanent assignment."
"I did receive a memo concerning a position for you. I assumed it
was an error."
"No Sir. I have been assigned to continue the work Agent Mulder and
I have been investigating for the past four years. I have been put
in charge of the X-Files division."
"What the hell was Blevins thinking?" Skinner snarled under his
breath.
"Excuse me?"
"Agent Scully, it has come to my attention that Agent Mulder's
apartment was vandalized. Is that true?"
"Yes." She answered, confused.
"It has also been reported that the hard drive of the computer in
Mulder's apartment and office have been destroyed. Is that true?"
"Yes."
"It could take a computer data retrieval team weeks to recover that
information, if it can be retrieved at all. I'll get someone on it
right away, but temporarily I stand behind your assignment at
Quantico."
"Yes, the hard drive of both of Mulder's computers were very
purposefully erased. Yes, most of the case files Mulder and I have
worked on in the past were stored on those hard drives, as well as
other crucial information being investigated by Agent Mulder.
Information that was vital to the X-Files and the continuation of
Mulder's work, but I don't need a data retrieval team."
"Without the information how can you possibly continue? It will
take years to gather a fraction of what was lost. Is it worth it?"
"Sir, I have the information."
"I don't understand what you're telling me. Agent Mulder had the
photographic memory. You can't conceivably think you can recall
everything that was lost?" Skinner was beginning to worry at the
confident expression on Scully's face.
"I don't need a photographic memory. Not when I have the back-up
disks." She said smugly.
"Back-up disks?" *Shit,* thought Skinner.
"I routinely made back-up disks of the information on the computers.
Mine as well as Mulder's. The last back-up I did is dated a little
over a month ago. I did lose the written files that were taken, but
they weren't important compared to what was stored on the computer."
"Did Agent Mulder know you had back-up disks?" Skinner asked
through clenched teeth.
"No." Scully said a smile lighting her eyes. "Agent Mulder never
really found computers to be user-friendly. I got frustrated with
him the last time he accidentally deleted an entire program, along
with all its files. I was waiting until he did it again so I could
watch him squirm a little before I showed him the back-ups." She
shook her head, clearing the memory of the plot of revenge she had
been so delighted with when she had conceived it. She stood. "You
said you would be holding my identification and weapon in your office
until I returned?"
Skinner nodded, unsure of how to proceed. Opening a lower desk
drawer, he removed the two items and slid them across the desk.
Scully picked up her gun, finding the weight and feel of the weapon
familiar in her hand.
"You got your life back, Scully. Are you sure you want to waste
it?" Skinner was grasping at straws and he knew it. He looked into
her eyes. They were filled with indignation. She picked up her
badge, using controlled movements.
"If you need me, I'll be in my office -- in the basement. Thank you
for your time." She turned, rapidly moving to the door.
"Scully? You didn't answer my question. Are you going to waste
the rest of your life chasing after Spooky Mulder's little green
men?"
She stopped, taking a moment to rein in her anger before turning to
face him, one hand grasping the doorknob.
"Gray." She answered.
"What?" Now Skinner was confused.
"Reticulans have gray skin, not green. They're little gray men."
On those words Scully opened the office door, closing it behind her.
"That was for you Mulder," she whispered heading downstairs.
_ _ _ _ _ _
Mulder was bored. He had spent the last two weeks being bored. The
first week he spent constantly in a state of anxiety, wondering if he
had done the right thing in giving Scully the injection. When it
became apparent she was going to live, all he wanted to do was go to
her. Skinner, of course, had refused to let him. Mulder had spent
hours during the past two weeks wondering what had possessed him to
involve Skinner in his plan to begin with. He always came up with
the same reason. He couldn't have saved Scully without him. That
pissed him off. She was alive, that was all that mattered. He was
still bored. This cabin wasn't exactly equipped to entertain a human
being for three minutes, let alone three weeks. There was no
television, so no VCR. He couldn't even go for a run in the daylight
and running at night was just -- dark. He had gotten several
bruises attempting night runs through the woods. He had been forced
to circle the cabin when it grew dark and he began to feel caged. He
had finished reading everything Skinner had brought him the last
time. Usually he could pass the time of day dreaming about Scully
and the life they would someday share. After she forgave him.
Today, thinking of Scully wasn't working. He wanted to be with her,
not just think about her.
The shrill sound of the cell phone ringing brought Mulder from his
reverie. The cell phone was only used for pre-arranged calls or
emergencies. Skinner wasn't supposed to call until tomorrow. Mulder
picked up the phone and answered it gruffly.
"Hello."
"We have a problem. I'm on my way." Skinner's voice boomed over
the phone.
Skinner arrived at the cabin forty-five minutes later and quickly
brought Mulder up to speed on what had occurred in his office with
Scully.
"She said what?" Mulder asked unable to contain his laughter.
"I find no humor in this situation. We have a problem. It's too
early for her to start digging around in those files. Files, I might
add, that were supposed to have been destroyed. If I hadn't heard it
from her that you had no prior knowledge of those back-up disks, I
would have left you out here to rot. Is she going to be able to
access those files? Aren't they password protected? Does she have
the passwords?"
"Scully seems to have a knack for deciphering my passwords. It's
become an running game between us. I change all the passwords every
couple of months and she sees how long it takes her to figure the new
ones out. She's been able to get them all so far. I did just change
them, before I died. It might take her a few days, but no longer."
"That doesn't bother you?"
"It's Scully." Mulder answered simply.
"So she can figure out all your clever passwords and you can't even
figure out when she's sick, or that she's copying all your programs
onto back-up disks? You're one of my best field investigators and
you don't even know what's going on in the head of your own partner?"
"It's Scully." He answered again. "You seemed to handle her very
nicely today in your office. You got her to do exactly what you
wanted her to do." He accused, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Do
you want to tell me again how well that went?"
"This is getting us nowhere." Skinner said, choosing to avoid the
issue rather than concede defeat.
"We're going to have to move up my resurrection." Mulder grinned,
locking his hands behind his head and leaning back in his chair.
" To when?"
"Today."
"It's too soon. Yes, she's healthy, but it's too soon." Skinner
argued.
"What are we going to gain by waiting? She's going to live.
They're going to know I set the whole thing up. We've shown them
that dividing us isn't going to stop us. The one left behind will
continue the work more feverishly than before. I can't do anything
to stop them from out here and your hands are tied. She's going
after them alone. Neither of us is going to be able to protect her
by standing here and arguing."
"Fine. Today will be the day. Are you ready?" Skinner took off
his suit coat and hung it over the back of the sofa he was sitting
on, rolling up his sleeves.
This was truly the one part of the plan that Mulder despised. He
couldn't think of any alternatives, but not for lack of trying.
Standing, he looked at Skinner.
"I'm ready. Try not to look like you're going to enjoy it too
much."
"Mulder," Skinner grinned. "I've been looking forward to this
moment since the first time you walked into my office."
"If I had only known letting you beat the shit out of me would
improve our working relationship, I would have let you do it years
ago." Mulder quipped, resigned to his fate.
_ _ _ _ _ _
Four hours had passed since Skinner had left Mulder. He sat in his
office waiting for Scully to come up from downstairs. He wished this
could be done in private, but the man standing in the corner of his
office would not allow it. Skinner knew he wanted to be there to
gauge Scully's reaction. He would get his chance. His secretary
opened the office door and Scully stepped inside. It had taken a
direct order from him this time to get her to come back in here so
soon.
Scully stepped inside and instantly was assaulted with the smell of
cigarette smoke hanging in the air. She saw the bastard standing in
the back of the room. Ignoring him, Scully walked to the desk.
"You wanted to see me?" She asked, her voice laden with contempt.
"Sit down, please."
"I'd rather stand, thank you." She countered.
"Agent Scully. Have a seat."
Scully gauged the threat in his voice and sat down in the chair
behind her.
"Thank you. I need to ask you a few questions about the morning you
found Agent Mulder in his apartment. Are you up to answering those
questions?"
She nodded, taken aback by what he was asking of her.
"I cooperated fully with the police at the scene. They have my
complete statement on file."
"You were called to identify the body of your partner, Agent Fox
Mulder, who was dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound to the
head. Correct?" Skinner hated having to do this to her, but he
needed a reaction from her. She nodded her answer. "Can you please
tell me on what evidence you based your positive identification?"
"What?" She understood the question, but couldn't believe he was
asking it.
"How did you know the body was Mulder's?"
Scully closed her eyes, the scene instantly appearing in her mind.
The police, the noise from the television, the white sheet on the
floor. She took a deep breath and tried to detach herself from the
emotion. She tried to look at the scene as an investigator.
"He was wearing the same clothes he had been the last time I had
seen him. The body had the same build as Agent Mulder, was in his
apartment and had his identification as well as his weapon."
"What about facial identification?" Skinner pushed.
"Facial identification? He killed himself with a point blank gun
shot to the head. There wasn't anything left of his face to
identify." Her voice fell to a whisper, damning Skinner for his
questions.
"Agent Scully, were you aware that Mrs. Mulder refused on autopsy on
her son?"
"No, I wasn't. Sir?"
"One or two more questions first, if you would?" He continued when
she nodded. " Are you aware of any reasons why Mrs. Mulder may have
refused the autopsy?"
"No." Scully shook her head. "I've tried to contact Mrs. Mulder,
but she's out of the country. That's a question you will have to ask
her."
"When you identified the body, were you completely certain it was
your partner?"
"Of course I was. What the hell is this about?" She no longer
cared about the man standing in the corner. "I've answered your
questions. Answer mine." She demanded.
"Agent Mulder was found in an abandoned warehouse this afternoon.
We received an anonymous tip and a team went in and found him. He
was taken to the hospital. He's been badly beaten but he's alive.
Very much alive, he's been asking for you."
Scully sat in the chair, listening to what Skinner was telling her.
Mulder was alive. He wanted her. She looked to Skinner again,
needing confirmation.
"He's alive. He's at Georgetown University Hospital, and he's
waiting for you. You're going to want to stop at his apartment and
pick him up a change of clothes."
Scully nodded, brushing away a tear that threatened to fall from her
eye. Slowly, she stood up and walked out of the office, her pace
increasing with every step she took.
End of part 5
Keep Me From the Cold 6/8
Scully paced the hallway, staring at the hospital room door that
stood as a barrier between her and her objective: Mulder. She had
opened the door when she arrived, only to have it slammed in her face
by an overzealous nurse running tests. Bitch. Dana needed to see
him, needed to hear his voice. She needed to feel him beneath her
hands. She wouldn't let herself believe until she did. She
couldn't.
The door opened and the current bane of Scully's existence stepped
out of the room, closing the door before Dana could get a glimpse of
the man inside.
"You can go in now, Agent Scully." She said, walking away from the
room. "But the doctor will be returning shortly."
Scully placed her hand on the door. Taking a deep breath, she
slowly pushed it open. She could feel her heart rate quickening with
every inch it opened.
"Please, let it be him." She whispered quietly as her eyes came to
rest on the man on the bed.
Mulder looked up at the sound of the opening door. Their eyes met.
Neither of them spoke as she took another step into the room, letting
the door close behind her. Mulder stood as Scully's eyes left his
and traveled over him, taking a visual inventory of his injuries.
She released the breath she didn't realize she had been holding. His
face was bruised. An angry purple streak was forming across his left
cheek, and there was a bandage on his left temple, but he was alive.
When her eyes returned to meet his, Mulder saw her tears and felt
his heart constrict sharply before returning to its regular pattern.
He opened his arms to her, closing them around her when she accepted
his invitation. Pressing his lips to the crown of her head, he
inhaled the fresh scent of her hair, lavishing in the comfort it
brought him. He felt her arms tighten around his waist. She pressed
her ear firmly against his chest -- searching for the strong and
steady music of his heart.
"Still beating?" He asked whispering into her hair.
She nodded her answer, not trusting her voice. He was here. He was
holding her. A deep sigh escaped her lips.
"Hey? You all right, Scully?"
"I missed you." Her answer was simple and it was the truth.
" I missed you too." Mulder tightened his arms around her in
reassurance. She shifted her head against him and heard him attempt
to stifle a moan. Regretfully, she pulled away from him, but left
her hand on his chest where her head had been.
"Did I hurt you?"
"No, parts of me are just a little more tender than usual."
She gently probed his rib cage, stopping when she saw a flash of
pain cross his face.
"What did the doctor say?"
"Nothing's broken, a lot's bruised. Just a normal hospital visit
for me, Scully."
"Normal? Mulder, there are many words we could use to describe this
moment, but normal is not one of them. Mulder..."
"Is that for me? Skinner said he would ask you to stop and pick up
some clothes." He hated interrupting her, but this wasn't the time
or the place for where this conversation was ultimately heading. She
nodded, walking to the door and retrieving the duffel bag from where
she had dropped it when she rushed into his arms. "Are you able to
leave now?"
"Not yet." A smile threatened him when she reacted with a raised
eyebrow. He knew he had missed her, but this single gesture made his
arms ache to hold her again. "The doctor thinks I may have a slight
concussion." He saw the alarm in her eyes. "I'm fine, except he
wants me to stay in the hospital overnight for observation." He gave
her his best *Please Scully* expression. "Think you can convince him
to let me go home?" Before she could answer the doctor returned to
the room. "Dr. Mead this is my partner, Agent Scully."
Dana stepped forward.
"Dr. Scully," she corrected, reaching out and shaking the man's hand.
"Mulder says there are no broken bones but he may have a slight
concussion."
"The x-rays came back clear but I am concerned with the blow he took
to the head. He's expressed his displeasure about spending the night
in the hospital, but he needs to be under observation for the next
twenty-four hours."
"I think it would be better for Agent Mulder, under the circumstances
he's just endured, if he were somewhere more familiar. I think he
would be more comfortable under my observation, away from the
hospital."
Mulder was accustomed to Scully discussing his medical condition with
his doctors as if he weren't in the room. He had been looking
through the duffel bag she had brought, taking only a slight interest
in the conversation, until he heard her offer to personally care for
him. His full attention was again focused on her.
"Are you willing to sign a hospital release form accepting
responsibility for Mr. Mulder?"
"Yes, I am." Scully turned back to her partner. "Go ahead and get
dressed. We'll go work on the paperwork and then we can leave."
Scully turned back to the doctor and Mulder watched them leave the
room. Sitting back on the bed, a smile on his face, Mulder continued
to stare at the door she had just exited. He had been afraid he'd
imagined the look in her eyes. The look he'd seen in the hospital,
the look that showed him she loved him; he hadn't. He saw the love
she felt for him exposed in her eyes. How long had it been there?
Why hadn't he seen it before? He pushed the questions from his mind.
That was the past. He couldn't afford to live in the past any
longer since it had almost cost him Scully. Fear gripped him and he
found himself longing to believe that when he confessed his betrayal
to her, the love in her eyes wouldn't disappear.
--- ---
He hadn't meant to fall asleep on the way home. It wasn't like him.
He had just felt so secure with her safely in the car next to him.
He had let himself forget all they had yet to face and simply lost
himself in her company. He was now sitting on her couch, his eyes
closed, his head resting against the back, just listening. Listening
to the simple noises she was making in the kitchen.
"Are you hungry?" She yelled in.
"No." He heard her enter the room and felt her sit down next to
him. He remained silent for a moment allowing her the opportunity he
knew she needed to make certain he was all right. Opening his eyes,
he looked into hers. She smiled.
"A lot's happened in the last three weeks. We need to catch each
other up. You need to fill me in so when you're stronger we can go
after the men who took you. There was a body in your apartment.
What happened, Mulder?"
He took her hand, determined not to lie to her.
"We have plenty of time to deal with that, Scully. Skinner told me
that while I was away you were in the hospital. He said your cancer
is gone, there's no evidence of it anywhere in your body. Is that
true?"
She nodded her head, diverting her eyes to their clasped hands. She
wasn't sure any longer if he was holding her hand, or she was holding
his. Her mind filled with wonder and she reclaimed his gaze.
"You asked Skinner about me?"
"That was the first thing I asked." He answered honestly.
"Because I've been sick?" She asked softly dropping her gaze again.
"No." He slipped a finger under her chin and raised her face until
his eyes found hers. "I knew my disappearance would affect you."
"Oh." She turned her head to the side in disappointment, but he
gently guided her back.
"And, because I thought about you every day I was gone. Of course
the first person I would ask about would be the person I cared about
most." He was silent, hoping she understood what he was clumsily
attempting to tell her. His efforts were rewarded with a smile from
her. He lowered his hand from where it cupped her chin. "I needed
to know how you were."
"Skinner took me to the hospital when I collapsed. Mulder, I'm not
sure what happened while I was in the hospital but when I regained
consciousness the doctors said the cancer was gone."
"Are they certain?"
"Yes, they're certain -- and so am I. Mulder, I'm going to live."
Mulder pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly.
"I couldn't have asked for a better coming home present."
"Coming home present?" Scully pulled away from his embrace.
"Mulder, you weren't on vacation." She sat back on the couch. "Tell
me what happened."
Her eyes held an intensity that was pure Scully, but a yawn
distorted her features. Mulder jumped at the opportunity to avoid
her questions.
"Scully, you're tired." He stood up taking her hand, pulling her up
off the couch. "We can talk about this after you've taken a nap."
"Mulder..." She began to protest while he guided her into the
bedroom.
"It's only been three weeks. You need your rest." He saw the
confusion on her face. "Besides, I'm feeling tired myself."
"Does your head hurt?" She reached up and stroked his temple in
concern.
"It'll be fine. A nap will do us both some good. We can go over
what our next step will be later."
"OK." She nodded, stifling a yawn as she sat down on the bed and
removed her shoes. Mulder turned to leave the room, beginning to
close the door behind him. "Mulder, leave the door open." He pushed
the door back open. "You won't leave, will you?"
"I'll be here when you wake up. I'm not going anywhere." He
watched her settle on the bed, closing her eyes and relaxing against
the pillow. Leaning against the doorframe, he watched over her until
she sleepily opened her eyes and smiled at him.
"Go lay down, Mulder. I'm not going anywhere either. I'll be here
when you wake up."
--- ---
"Candles are burning, glasses are chilled and soon she'll be..,"
Mulder stopped himself. Why were the words to an old song he didn't
even remember liking running through his head. What was that song
about? A desperate man trying to win the heart of the woman he loved
by reminding her how much they had cared for each other in the past.
The reason for the remembered lyrics became clearer.
He was going to tell her. When Scully woke up, he was going to
confess everything to her. He couldn't continue to let her believe
he had been held against his will for the past three weeks.
Everything he had done, he did to save her life, but now he couldn't
continue the deception. He wouldn't lie to her. Even if it meant
losing her he would tell her the truth. He was risking everything on
the hope she would remember what they meant to one another. He
trusted she loved him enough to forgive him. He would make her
understand. He was a desperate man.
He looked around the room. This was wrong. The lights were dimmed,
the table set, the music soft, the room lit by candles; this wasn't
them. This wasn't even Eddie Van Blundht doing a bad imitation of
them. Candle light and soft music wasn't going to make what he
needed to tell her any easier. One day he hoped this particular
setting would be appropriate for an evening he and Scully would spend
together, but it wasn't right for this evening. He had wanted to do
something nice for her. Looking around the room, he realized his
good intentions had gone bad. Mulder turned the lights back up.
She was having a wonderful dream. In her dream she wasn't sick,
Mulder was alive, and he was with her. Joy like she had never known
existed ran through her as she realized she wasn't dreaming. She
heard him come into her room and felt him sit down on the bed next to
her.
"Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Can you open your eyes for me?"
He hated having to wake her, but the things he needed to tell her
didn't seem to want to wait. She was so beautiful. He felt a tug at
his heart when she smiled at the sound of his voice. Without opening
her eyes she stretched out on the bed in an attempt to awaken her
body from the restful sleep she had been in. Her hip brushed his,
and his body instantly responded to her -- causing his breath to
catch in his throat. She opened her eyes and brought her hands up to
wipe the residue of sleep from them, causing her hip to once again
come in contact with his. He wanted to lean over and kiss each eye
lid and let his lips trail to her mouth. She was looking at him now
and he realized he had been staring. Mulder shifted his weight from
her before it became very apparent to her as to what he wanted.
"Did you sleep well?"
"Yes I did. The best I've slept in a long time."
"I ordered dinner, Chinese. Are you hungry?"
"Famished. I'm going to freshen up and then I'll be right out."
"I'll have your chopsticks ready but if you don't hurry I can't
guarantee the safety of your fortune cookie."
"I'll hurry." She smiled, watching him stand and walk out of the
room. Sitting up, still slightly groggy from her nap, she ran her
fingers through her hair. Standing, she stretched her muscles again
and walked over to the mirror grabbing her hairbrush on the way.
Examining her reflection, she saw that her hair was thoroughly
tousled. "Sleeping Beauty?" She muttered, amused at the new
nickname Mulder seemed to be fond of. How many times had he woken
her now using that name? Two or three? She pondered the question
while pulling her hairbrush methodically through her hair. Three,
she decided. Twice in the hospital and once just now. The brush in
her hand became still, tangled in the strands of her hair, her brow
furrowed in concentration. The hospital? The hairbrush fell to the
floor as missing pieces of a puzzle Scully wasn't even aware existed
began to come at her from every angle, creating a picture rivaling
her worst nightmare.
Mulder was beginning to wonder what was keeping Scully. Deciding to
go check on her again he got up from the table and -- turning toward
the bedroom -- he saw her standing in the doorway.
"Just in time. Your fortune cookie was almost history." He joked,
taking a step towards her. She stepped out of the shadow of the
doorway and the look in her eyes made his heart skip a beat.
"Scully?"
"It was you in the hospital. Wasn't it?" Her voice was as cold and
expressionless as her eyes.
Mulder felt his hopes crash down around him and shatter into a
thousand pieces.
"Come sit down." He coaxed.
"Wasn't it?" He voice still cold, but growing insistent.
"Yes. I came to the hospital the night you were admitted. I
needed to..,"
"No one broke into your apartment. No one held you at gun point for
three weeks. You planned this. You orchestrated everything. Didn't
you?"
"Scully, I need you to listen to me."
"Answer me!" She demanded.
"It was the only way I knew how to save your life."
"Save my life?" She hissed. "Do you know what your little stunt
put me through? Do you know how I felt thinking you killed yourself
because of what I said?"
"You were dying. I needed to buy us some time. I needed to
convince the people who had given you the disease that they couldn't
use you to get to me any longer. It was the only way."
"You could have told me."
"They were watching you. Your reaction to my death needed to be
real. It was imperative you thought I was dead. The whole plan
hinged on it."
"I trusted you." Scully spoke with fury, needing to hurt him as
much as she was hurting. The pain in his face convinced her that her
aim had been true. "I cried for you."
"I was going to tell you as soon as it was safe. As soon as they
had all interviewed you, I was going to come to you and tell you the
truth."
"That's supposed to make me feel better? I haven't been able to
close my eyes without picturing you putting the gun to your head.
Whose body was in your apartment?"
"A man broke in. He was sent to kill me. There was a struggle and
I shot him. I knew their next step would involve you. If I were
dead, they would no longer need you."
"So you decided what would be best for both of us?"
" I couldn't sit back and watch you die. If you're waiting for me
to tell you I'm sorry for putting you through this, I am. Making
this decision, knowing how it would make you feel, was the hardest
thing I've ever done in my life." He reached out to take her hand
and she stepped away from him quickly, preventing him from touching
her. "If you're waiting for me to tell you that in the same
situation I wouldn't do the exact same thing, I can't. You're
standing here, you're alive, and you're going to live. You can spend
the rest of your life angry at me as long as you realize everything I
did, I did so you would live."
She stood in front of him, her mind in conflict with her heart. She
saw the desperation in his eyes. She heard the longing to make her
believe in his voice.
Mulder watched her eyes. He saw her struggling with what he had
told her. He knew he was getting to her. A small flame of hope
began to grow within him until he saw her open her eyes. When she
opened them he saw nothing but anger.
"Get out." Her voice was low, insistent.
"Scully..,"
"Get out." She repeated, walking to the door to her apartment and
opening it. "Get out of my apartment." She watched his shoulders
sag and he lowered his head in resignation. A part of her wanted to
reach out and comfort him. That part of her only fueled her anger.
She saw him begin to walk toward the open door. She walked passed
him, keeping her back turned, refusing to watch him leave. Hearing
the door close behind her, a flood of emotions washed over her. She
was relieved he had obeyed her order to leave, yet, she felt deeply
saddened because her dreams of their future together had died when he
closed the door. She stood in silence, damning him for making her
angry enough to order him to leave, and damning him for leaving.
"I'm not leaving you." His voice came from behind her, causing her
to turn around sharply in surprise. She faced him from where he
stood in front of the closed door. "I made a promise to myself and
to you when I left you in the hospital that it would be the last time
I ever walked away from you. I don't intend to go back on that
promise." His voice was determined but shook with emotion. He
walked towards her. "You told me in the hospital that you loved me.
Was that true?"
She hesitated but she nodded. As angry as she was, she couldn't
hurt him as deeply as lying to him would.
"Do you believe me when I tell you that I love you too? That I love
you more than I even know how?" He asked her, his voice filled with
feeling.
She nodded her head again. Her heart did believe.
"Scully, please don't let this destroy everything. It's taken so
much for us to get here. Don't let what I've done take away from the
four years it's taken us to stand before one another and admit our
love to each other." Mulder saw the tears beginning to form in her
eyes. "Please don't tell me because of what I've done I'll never
again hear you tell me that you love me."
She looked into his eyes, seeing all the love he felt for her
staring back at her. It took her breath away. She had spent so many
lonely hours dreaming of him looking at her in this very way. All
she had to do was open her arms. They had wasted so much time
already. All she had to do was forgive him. Scully broke her gaze
away from his, unable to think clearly. She needed to think clearly
and she couldn't concentrate while lost in his eyes. Walking to the
couch she sat down, her elbows resting on her knees, her head cradled
in her hands.
He walked to where she sat on the couch, sitting down next to her.
He was angled towards her, their knees touching. He reached out,
placing his hand on her arm. Running his fingers soothingly up her
arm, across her shoulders and back down, encouraged when she didn't
pull away.
"If there had been another way, I would have found it." He
whispered close to her ear.
"Why did you come to the hospital? Wasn't it a risk to your plan?"
She spoke softly, keeping her head resting in her hands.
"Skinner told me you were dying. I went to the hospital to give you
a reason to fight your way back. I couldn't let you leave me and I
wouldn't let you go through that alone."
"What about the plan?" She asked accusingly, throwing the last bit
of anger she still carried out at him, still refusing to look him in
the eyes.
"You are more important to me than any plan could ever be." He sat
silent and still for a moment, causing her to turn her head and face
him. "I chose you, Scully. I will always choose you. I love you.
Look me in the eyes. Tell me that you don't love me. That's the
only way I'll ever walk away."
In that moment, she realized she couldn't let him walk away. Not
now, not ever. Next to him was where she belonged.
"Don't leave."
"Why, Scully? Why don't you want me to leave?" He needed to hear
her say the words to him again.
She read the need in his face and in his eyes. Reaching up, she
stroked his face, running her fingertips across the strong jaw line
and pausing to caress his lower lip with her thumb. She recognized
the need in him because it mirrored what she was feeling. A little
shyly, she leaned forward and brushed her lips against his cheek.
She felt his breath, warm on her neck as she left her cheek resting
against his.
"Why, Scully?" He whispered in her ear, straining to keep his body
under control until she said the words.
"Because I love you." She whispered her answer, surprised when he
pulled away from her after she spoke. Seeing him, she knew she held
his heart in her hands. Lovingly, she gave it back to him. "I love
you Mulder." She whispered, gazing deeply into a pair of eyes that
seemed capable of penetrating to the center of her soul. "I love
you."
Mulder's arms encircled her. Their mouths met. Breaths merged.
Tongues intertwined, supple and sinuous as lovers. The kiss went on.
And on. Endlessly enticing. Erotically evocative. Mulder ate at
the acutely sensitized flesh of her lower lip, the nipping pressure
of his teeth exquisitely calibrated. Dana shuddered, rocked by the
most powerful sense of need she'd ever known. The kiss grew hotter.
Hungrier. His fingers caressing the back of her neck splayed
suddenly, moving up into the waves of her hair. Scully angled her
face, offering a more intimate access to her mouth.
Mulder wanted her, needed her. Gathering her into his arms, he
lifted her. Settled her firmly on his lap. Except for the frantic
beating of her heart, she went still. His lips came down again, more
insistent than before. She opened to him, welcoming the suggestive
intrusion of his tongue once again. She moved once, conscious of his
arousal. He groaned harshly, his free hand closing hard on her hip.
"Scully." He warned her breathlessly. "Is this what you want?
I'll explode into a million pieces if you say no, but I'll stop. I
need to know this is what you want."
She leaned forward, shifting her weight again in his lap, bringing
another groan from deep within his throat.
"All I've felt for weeks is pain and loss. I need you to show me
Mulder. Show me you're alive, that you love me." She brought her
lips to his again briefly, her tongue teasing him before pulling
away. "Let me show you I'm still alive and how much I love you.
Make me feel alive Mulder."
Pulling her closer, Mulder's tongue captured hers again and drew it
into his mouth. She closed her eyes, yielding to him. Giving.
Taking. Offering. Receiving. Trusting. And wanting. Both of them
wanting so much they almost hurt with it. Dana's eyes flew open as
she felt Mulder surge to his feet, lifting her in his arms and
cradling her to his chest.
"Not here." He said, his voice thick with desire as he carried her
into her bedroom.
End of part 6
_________________________________________________________________
Keep Me From the Cold 7/8
Dana wound her arms about his neck, opening her mouth and beginning
to nibble softly at his earlobe as he carried her to the bed.
Mulder set her down so that she was standing on the sheets, her
breasts level with his face. He began silently to undress her. He
drew down the small zipper at her hip and released the hook. He
pulled the skirt down, and balancing with her hands on his shoulders,
Dana stepped out of the skirt. The sight of her tiny black panties
strengthened his desire. The panties formed a very sharp vee, coming
almost to a point at the slight swelling of the spray of curls
between her legs. Their sides were cut away to nothing but a flimsy
half-inch strip of material -- exposing her long slim thighs and the
fleshy curve of her hip.
Dana stood still as Mulder slowly unbuttoned her blouse and slid it
past her shoulders, letting it fall to the bed. She wore a
conventional bra which held her breasts in twin cups of black silk.
He reached behind her and unfastened it, lifting the undergarment
away from her breasts. The ivory orbs wobbling gently as they came
free of the restraining cups.
Scully raised her hands to cover herself feeling self-conscious of
her nakedness. Mulder gently pushed her hands away, looking up into
her eyes.
The love and desire she saw in his eyes chased away all previous
feelings of inadequacy.
He leaned nearer to her opening his mouth, taking her left nipple
between his lips, and feeling it grow stiffer as it came into contact
with his exploring tongue. He licked across it tentatively. The
nipple tasted warm and intimate as he gently sucked it wetly into his
mouth. He drew it in, taking a generous portion of the firm but
resilient flesh between his lips at the same time.
Then his teeth sank in a possessive bite around the soft white skin,
trapping the nipple and surrounding flesh. He heard her moan with
pleasure and felt her hands in his hair. His hands began to wander
leisurely over the rest of her body. They explored slowly down her
chest to the flatness of her stomach. Still caressing her nipple and
breast with his lips, he teased his way over her abdomen and stroked
the satin smoothness of her belly. She stirred slightly, turning her
hips in excitement, though momentarily wriggling. Mulder's fingers
touched the top of her panties: he lifted them away from her stomach
tenderly, just enough to slip his fingers beneath the elastic band
and feel downward toward the juncture between her thighs.
He stretched his fingers a little further below the tight fit of her
panties. Rubbing softly at the opening of her already moist center,
he coaxed the lips apart, urging them to yield and permit his finger
to enter the quivering opening of her vagina. Dana trembled again --
spreading her legs slightly so that his fingers could have the
easiest possible access to her tingling center. Her fingers digging
into his shoulders feeling her knees go weak with passion. Mulder
was rubbing his fingers up and down the moistened center between her
thighs, as slowly as humanly possible�not yet penetrating, but the
friction and excitement he caused as it passed back and forth across
the rising bud of her throbbing clitoris was beginning to almost
drive her out of her mind. And his teeth had closed even more
tightly around the base of her nipple -- nibbling with a mock
ferocity on its tender rigidity. A trembling passed through her
breast that inflamed her almost as much as the fingering below.
Mulder slipped a middle finger gently into her. The clinging
moistness of her throbbing flesh clutched urgently around his finger.
The moan he heard from her urged him to continue his teasing. He
allowed her breast to escape the tight hold of his teeth, and watched
her face as he quickened the movements of his fingers within her. He
felt her begin to convulse around his hand and saw her eyes close and
her face tighten with desire. When her eyes opened moments later,
she looked at him determinedly and lowered herself to her knees on
the bed before him.
Her head was just barely below his. She kissed his throat and
began, at the same time, to unbutton his shirt. His whole body was
trembling slightly now as his shirt came open all the way down. She
eased it gently out from his jeans and helped him pull it off his
arms. She kissed his chest tenderly, her own hands seemed to indulge
in a tremoring delirium as she stroked his back, his sides, and then
her hands moved down to his zipper.
Mulder's breath was coming in burning gasps. He found it impossible
to keep still as she teased the zipper down. His stomach hollowed
and expanded. His hips writhed gently. Her hands had nearly
completed their work. He waited tensely for the first touch of her
deftly moving fingers on the thin tissue of his boxers. As he felt
it, he convulsively jerked his hips away just as she unbuttoned the
button that held his jeans. Easing them past his hips she pushed
away the denim material. They fell to the floor, a ridiculous pile
around his ankles and he stepped out of them. Her lips moved over
his chest and stomach, and then he felt her fingertips slipping under
the elastic band of his boxers. Slowly and tantalizingly, she tugged
them down� his throbbing penis slipping suddenly into view as she
pushed the boxers all the way to the floor..
When he had kicked his boxers away and looked up, Dana moved her
eyes up his body until their eyes met. There was a smokiness in her
look. For a moment they gazed at each other. Mulder tried to
swallow, but his breath seared his throat, fiery gusts pouring from
the furnace of his lungs. He had no control over the tremoring of
his body.
Lowering herself down and leaning forward she took him deep into the
warm, wet cavern of her mouth. At the soft, moist pressure, Mulder
sharply inhaled. He saw her, her eyes narrowed in passion,
concentrating on the gentle sucking. He watched her cheeks
hollowing, her lips moving as she took him in. The urgency of his
passion seemed to become unbearable.
"Scully..," He moaned her name, a plea to her. A plea which she
ignored, her head moving forward and backwards as she urged more and
more of his thick, pulsating shaft between her lips. "Dana." He
hissed putting his hands on her shoulders and drawing himself from
her mouth -- pulling her up to crush her lips against his own.
Her mouth opened wide while her arms swept around him. She bit at
his lips as he kissed her and then her tongue was worming silkily
into his mouth, she was drawing him further back onto the bed. The
covers were drawn back and she allowed herself to fall backwards into
the soft sheets, pulling him down with her. She felt his hands at
her hips and she raised them allowing him to slide the material of
her panties down far enough for her to wriggle out of them. Her
movements inciting him beyond mere words. He kissed her. First her
mouth, then the line of her throat and the curves of her shoulders.
"Please," she moaned. "Now."
A nudge of his knee parted her thighs. He moved up, positioning
himself, then thrust into her yielding body, joining them with a
strong, sure stroke. Dana gasped, clutching at his upper arms.
Bracing himself, Mulder withdrew part-way, then thrust forward
again. She arched up to meet him this time, the lift of her hips a
perfect counterpoint to the downward movement of his. He groaned
deep in his chest, then covered her mouth with his, sealing in her
soft cry of pleasure. She wrapped her legs around his waist and
brought her arms to his neck, and met every pounding thrust with
eagerly lifted hips. He used his teeth and lips and tongue; his hips
ground against hers and his hands stroked her. The force of his
emotions pounding at her own. Scully held on and gave him what he
seemed to need: her.
"I love you." She broke away from his mouth and uttered the words
she knew he needed. "I love you." She said again before conscious
thought was rendered impossible. His pace increased and his
movements strengthened as Dana felt herself reach her climax and soar
higher than anything she'd ever known or imagined. She heard Mulder
groan her name and urgently surge into her, his body growing taut
with his release.
Dana smiled as he lay on top of her, still coupled, spent.
It felt right.
Utterly, absolutely right.
She wasn't alone. She was partnered with the man she loved.
He rolled away from her briefly before pulling her into his arms
next to him.
"I love you." He whispered, kissing the top of her head.
They slept.
A man.
A woman.
His arms around her.
Her legs intertwined with his.
Both deeply in love.
End of part 7
______________________________________________________________
Keep Me From the Cold 8/8
He saw her standing in the distance. His Scully. His exquisite
Scully. He reached out to her. She smiled a small smile but stayed
where she was. He took a step toward her, but she seemed to move
farther away. His mind began to panic. He couldn't lose her again.
He quickened his movements frantically running towards her calling
her name. Suddenly, she disappeared before his eyes. An
overpowering sense of aloneness followed by desperation coursed
through him. He called for her, screaming her name. Slowly, he
became aware of her voice in the distance, calling for him. She was
beseeching him to come to her. He searched and searched, her voice
becoming louder, yet he couldn't find her. He couldn't find her.
Dana felt Mulder begin to toss restlessly in bed next to her.
Opening her eyes, she saw that he was drenched with sweat, an
expression of pain marring his face. She reached out to him, his
body was cold beneath her touch.
"Mulder," she said gently trying to bring him from his nightmare.
When his movements only became more distraught, she raised her voice.
"Mulder!"
His eyes flew open, searching the room until his gaze found her.
Scully saw the relief pass over his features before he pulled her
into his arms. He crushed her against him. His hands drinking in
her body.
"It's OK. I'm here. You're not alone. I'm with you." She
reassured him softly, holding his trembling body tightly. "I'm right
here with you."
"I lost you." His voice was broken, soft, an indication of just how
much the dream had shaken him.
"You're never going to lose me, Mulder. I just found you, do you
honestly think I'm going to let you out of my sight? You're never
going to lose me."
The arms that had clung so securely to her, slackened. Mulder
pulled away from her. Sitting up, he swung his legs over the side of
the bed and ran his hands through his hair. Scully reached out a
hand and stroked his back.
"It was just a dream, Mulder. It's over."
Mulder picked up his boxers from next to the bed where he had kicked
them off earlier. Standing, he pulled them on before turning to face
her. He caressed her cheek.
"Go back to sleep, Scully." He leaned down, kissing her. "I'll be
in the other room. I don't want to keep you awake."
"Talk to me."
"Scully, it's fine. Go back to sleep."
She watched him leave the room, fighting the urge to throw a pillow
at him. Her feelings were hurt. Hugging her knees to her chest,
Scully comforted herself in the knowledge that he loved her. She
would show him the rest. Throwing back the covers, she felt around
on the floor until she found his shirt. She pulled it on and went to
find Mulder.
He was standing in the dark, in front of the window, staring at the
sky. He heard her behind him and felt her arms encircle his waist as
the side of her face rest securely in the center of his back. His
arms moved over hers, taking a hold of her hands.
"Talk to me." She said, making her request a second time.
"I'm not good enough for you, Scully."
"I know," she answered without hesitation. "but you're the one I
love."
"Sooner or later, I'm going to mess this up."
" I know that too, but then we'll fix it -- together."
He turned to face her, wrapping his arms around her possessively,
kissing the top of her head. Pulling away, he took her hands and
led her to the couch. Scully sat down while Mulder knelt on the
floor in front of her, not letting go of her hands.
"Tell me, Scully. Tell me what you need from me. Maybe if I know
from the start, what you need, I won't screw it up."
Scully began to smile until she saw the seriousness in his face.
She looked into Mulder's eyes and saw a boy needing acceptance,
needing love. She felt rage at the people who had allowed this
wonderful man to exist without ever knowing how it felt to be loved.
Her heart ached to make him understand. She would show him. She
would love him. She pulled her hands away from his and gently placed
them on either side of his face. Pulling him close to her, she
touched her lips to his.
"I need *you,* Mulder." She said backing away only slightly. She
continued when she saw the confusion in his expression. "I need to
feel your hand on the small of my back, guiding me down a hallway. I
need you to wipe barbecue sauce from the side of my mouth in a
restaurant, when I don't even know it's there. I need you to rescue
me from a town full of cannibals trying to cook me for stew. I need
you to hold my hand when it's just the two of us. I need you to tell
me that's it's remotely plausible someone might think I'm hot. I
need you to tell me every one of your theories, no matter how
incredible, so I can occasionally tell you that you're crazy. I need
you to talk to me when you wake up scared in the middle of the night
after you've had a nightmare. I need you to hold me tightly in your
arms and tell me that you love me."
Scully leaned close to him again and kissed away a tear escaping
from under each eyelid.
"You've given me everything I need, Mulder."
His mouth captured hers, and for as much as Scully would have liked
to lose herself in him again, their journey wasn't complete. She
pulled away from him.
"Mulder? What do you need from me?"
Mulder sat on the couch next to her, pulling her into his arms. Her
head came to rest on his chest, tucked beneath his chin. He was
silent, composing his thoughts. When he spoke, he spoke carefully,
needing every word to be just right.
"Remember when I thought I had found Samantha, but it was her
clone?" He waited until her felt her nod her head. "I left you and
I went to Alaska searching for answers."
"When you ditched me." She said, only half teasing, kissing his
chest to take away any sting he may have felt from her words.
"When I ditched you." He admitted. He squeezed her tightly to him,
offering a brief apology. "When I was lying on the ice, before they
found me; I remember thinking how appropriate it was. I was going
to freeze to death. I was going to die in the cold. Did you ever
notice, Scully? When you're cold, your whole body goes numb. You
reach a point when you don't even feel the pain anymore -- you don't
feel anything at all."
She needed to see his face. She looked up at him and his eyes had
once again become those of a small boy. She listened.
"All my life, Scully, I've kept myself cold, numb. I tried not to
feel anything. I always thought if I let myself feel...I wouldn't
have the strength to go on. Then I met you." He stopped talking and
kissed her on the forehead.
"What happened when you met me?" As painful as it was for her to
watch him go through this, she knew it was a path he needed to
travel. So he could emerge on the other side, where she would be
waiting for him.
"I met you, and for the first time, I don't want to feel cold
anymore. I want to love you. I want to feel your love for me." His
voice wavered and she reached up and wiped his tears away with her
hand. "That's what I need from you, Scully. I need you to keep me
from the cold."
He sought out her eyes.
"I need you to keep me from the cold."
Scully looked into the eyes of the man she loved. She hadn't
thought she could love him anymore than she did. As usual, he had
shown her that there was more. She loved him more with every breath
that she took.
"Mulder," she began, finding her voice. "I've been waiting my
entire life to love you and have you love me too. The next time you
feel cold; look in my eyes. The truth is in there. I love you
Mulder."
The love for him she held in her eyes melted the last remaining
protective barricade to his heart. He felt her words seep into his
heart and spread a healing warmth throughout the rest of his body.
She stood, holding out her hand to him.
"Come on, Mulder. Let's go back to bed." The expression on her
face promised everything but sleep would follow.
Mulder took Scully's hand and followed her to the bedroom. He was
aware there were questions that still needed to be answered, and
strategies that still needed to be planned. They would take care of
that, tomorrow. Together. Tomorrow they would be agents. Tonight,
and he trusted for the rest of their lives, they would celebrate
simply being two people in love.
-- End --
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